Speaking of being so terribly destitute and actually considering those Spam recipes at the top of our Gmail: Like its banks, America's marketers are facing hardships they've not encountered for decades.

No, they're not finally having a collective attack of conscience about their job being nothing more than a parlor trick to relieve hardworking people of their money. What the admen and women are struggling with is this: How does one go about selling bullshit to a public tightening its purse strings after being slapped awake by financial ruin?

As the economy continues to sour, marketers are rethinking the best offers and incentives to dangle in front of a newly budget-conscious public. But figuring out what offers will resonate is a tough task, with the media landscape already littered with companies crowing about discounts and good values.

To come up the right pitch, marketers and their agencies are trying to get a handle on what consumers are thinking. JWT, an ad firm also owned by WPP, is tracking the public's anxiety levels. The firm recently conducted an online poll of more than 1,000 consumers to find out how worried they are.

"Everybody wants value right now, based on how the market's doing," says Marc Ducnuigeen, president of the Denver office of Integer Group, a sales-promotion agency owned by Omnicom Group.

Next month TiVo is expected to begin offering incentives to attract new subscribers, including three months of free service, three months of free music downloads with RealNetworks' Rhapsody service and six free downloadable movies.

To appeal to prospective customers in the current economy, "the offers need to be crisper," says Tony Lee, TiVo's vice president of marketing. "They need to be more compelling."

But special offers carry risks. Experts warn that discounts and other price-based promotions can "train" consumers to avoid paying for a product or service when it isn't on sale. "You're going to drive sales today, but you're going to regret it in a year or two," says Integer's Mr. Ducnuigeen.

Because god forbid Americans learn to, y'know, STOP PAYING SO MUCH FOR SHIT THEY DON'T NEED. Get out there and buy $3,000 television sets marked down from $5,000, people. You deserve it!!!!!