You're the world's biggest pop star, in the middle of a global tour, and all you want to do is avoid the press so you can spoon with your new Major League Baseball playing boyfriend. Such is the thicket of Madonna's life. Except standing in the way of these grand plans is the obnoxious press, filled with their anonymously sourced items painting you as the self-absorbed persona you practically branded yourself from the beginning. So just who is leaking all your personal details to the media?

Practically everyone who has a passing relationship with you.

Foretelling The Future
MSNBC's The Scoop says Madonna is in "full meltdown mode." Says one unidentified source: "Madonna's going through some tough times, but she's still planning a trip to Malawi when the divorce is finalized and her tour is over, and she still expects A-Rod to come on the trip with her. There's very much a deep relationship there, even when she's going through what she is now."

Who could the source be? Easily a paparazzo, who love to extrapolate intimate details about their subjects when they have no more a relationship with Madonna than her Starbucks barista.

The Death of Madonna and Guy's Sex Life
London's The Daily Mail says Madonna's regimented workout routines turned a sex life that should've been the stuff of, well, tabloid fodder into something worse than imagining your grandparents go at it. Says their source: "With her time being so precious to her, and with there being more important things to her like spending three of four hours in the gym every day, it become just another thing in the diary. In the last couple of years, it was all schemed into the diary. Guy of course felt this a tremendous turn-off to be at the same level of importance as, for example, her gym sessions and Kabbalah meetings. As a consequence, their sex life died more than a year ago. It is no exaggeration to say that they had not shared a bed in a year when the divorce was announced. And when the sex died for them, the marriage was doomed."

Who could the source be? A housekeeper, maid, or nanny. Knowing the bedtime routine of these two is the territory of the in-house help; those responsible for making up each bed and putting the kids to sleep after each parent says goodnight. Separately.

Guy Ritchie's Emotions
Us Weekly says Guy is "in pieces" after seeing Madonna's son Rocco wearing a Yankees T-shirt, given Madonna's suspected relationship with Yankees slugger Alex Rodriguez. Claims their source "on the set of Ritchie's upcoming drama Sherlock Holmes": "He's actually been crying over it. He's in a terrible state but is doing his best to be on form at work. [...] He said she is the 'lowest of the low' and is even more determined to fight for his side now."

Who could the source be? Some d-bag production assistant who probably saw Guy do nothing more than wipe something away from his eye.