When George Rush and Joanna Molloy retired their daily Rush & Molloy gossip column last week, they paved the way for two-year JV gossip Sean Evans and former Ben Widdicombe stringer Laura Schreffler to resurrect Gatecrasher, Mr. Widdicombe's weekend-turned-daily-turned-expired column. Today is Mr. Evans and Ms. Schreffler's first day on the job, two twentysomethings competing head-to-head with Richard Johnson's Page Six behemoth. And how are they fairing? Mehhh.

Because any gossip is judged solely by their items (and, fine, the ability to piss off a publicist one week and have her groveling back the next), let's examine their damage delivered in today's column.

Perez Hilton throws book at pop tarts
It's the lead item. It's also a sad indicator of where this is headed.. Perez making headlines? Is this 2006? Fine, so the "gossip gangster" has a new book out … some sort of survival guide for how to become moderately famous. The book predicts the early deaths of Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan. Morbid astrological projections are the new gossip items.

From rock star to rehab and back again
This item concerns musician Scott Weiland. No, thanks.

Puppy almost beats Chase for a date
A sympathy plug for the charity Comedy Cares, which held a "recent" auction in the Hamptons that Chevy Chase went to. Chevy. Chase. Who cleared this?

On the scene
Victoria Beckham, the celebrity wife and fashion designer, is supposedly ripping off Rouland Mouret's designs. We can appreciate calling out talentless hacks, fine.

Wicked Whispers
It's Gatecrasher's brand of blind items. "Which supposedly straight funnyman keeps getting caught in West Village dives propositioning men by opening his legs and winking? We hear the B-lister had a few takers." If this is even about Mike Myers, $^@#$^&#$%&!~!!!

A good sport
Model nip slip sighting! That's what Egotastic.com is for.

Uh, really, Josie?
Throwaway sightings and such, except for having spotted Alex Rodriguez in Miami for Art Basel, not with Madonna, but ex-wife Cynthia and their daughter.

And thus, you won't be faulted for finishing the new Gatecrasher and walking away unimpressed. We're benefit-of-the-doubt-givers, so we're not writing the column off just yet. But what made Widdicombe's Gatecrasher such a titillating read was its ability to communicate access (literally gatecrashing … feeling like you were eavesdropping on power brokes and celebrities) and it's "you're in on the joke with us" tone, which read less like a "we take gossip seriously" column and more a "can you believe they pay me to write this?" sheet.