How can you tell when Steve Carrel is playing a dramatic role? He has a beard, duh. In fact, that can be said for almost any actor who wants to go from silly to serious (like Jeff Daniels in The Squid and the Whale), or from happy to depressed (Luke Wilson in The Royal Tenenbaums). And now that America is laying off seven percent of her work force, it's only natural that the scorned men (and a couple of unfortunate women) take their previously clean-shaven mugs and let it all hang out.

The problem with stories about bearding is that it gives some guys bad ideas. Because face it, some guys look weird with beards. Or they don't know how to take care of them. Or they read things like this and think, "I could do that too!"

Brad Pitt has a goatee on the cover of Architectural Digest this month, and the look implies intelligence and style as he promotes an innovative housing project in New Orleans. John Lennon's beard connoted "thinker" and "poet."

First of all, a goatee does not imply intelligence: in fact, it's pretty much the opposite. And if you're using your beard as a symbol of Fuckititis that you inherited after you lost your hedge-fund job, who is going to be attracted to that?

"Yeah, fuck it man, I stopped grooming. Screw the man. Can I borrow fifty bucks?" No, no you cannot, beardo. Get a job.