In the days of countrywide recession, even red carpet celebritantes are struggling to find new ways to afford their billion-dollar mansions and cocaine binges. The old way of making money in Hollywood – by, y'know, actually being good at one's craft – has been cast to the wayside in favor of quick and easy side projects, celebreality television shows (hey, you get paid for being on Celebrity Rehab) and special appearances for $50k a pop.

Want in? If you're a Kim Kardashian or a Brody Jenner in the making, here's how to parlay your minimal amount of faux-success into cold hard dollars (which you will waste).

THE FAKE MARRIAGE

Heidi and Spencer did it for however much The Hills is paying them. Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon did it for $2 million. Vanessa Hudgens and Zac Efron? You bet your tween ass that they're finding a way to get it done, too. What is it? Why, the convenient celebrity marriage, of course, which comes with a cottage industry's worth of free schwag, free publicity and elevated levels of stardom. And all for the price of going to court and having some guy dressed as a judge say a couple words that they always say in the movies. Then a blood test and presto, chango! You've just landed yourself on the cover of Us Weekly while you spend the next week and a half hiding out with your beard wife on a tropical beach, clinking glasses, checking out the cabana boys' asses and laughing all the way to the money bank.

Celebrities Cashing In: Those mentioned above, but also Star Jones (whose free shit with ex-husband Al Reynolds totaled up to $1 million); TomKat; anyone who gets married on a reality show or after starring on a reality show

THE BABY BOOM

Feeling a little low on cash? Are the papers constantly hounding you about your anorexia/eating disorder? Are you constantly being photographed by invasive paparazzi and feel like your life has become a hellish Sisyphean nightmare? Why not bring another child into the world? Think about it: All of a sudden, you get your agency back as you strike deals with all those mags that printed nasty things about you, except now they want to pay for the first glimpses of you and your newborn Xavier Raspberry Flotsam. And babies make you gain weight, but no one can make fun of your about it! (And when you lose the weight, they'll celebrate how quickly you did it.) All the magazines will say you look glowing and, guess what? Babies are the number one gift-getters in the world. People like Ellen and Oprah will be lining up to fill out your damn baby registry, even if you're 16 years old and your mom secretly impregnated you with a turkey baster one night because she wanted to write a book or become vice-president. And it's not just for ladies either: Guys, if you're gay but scared of coming out, People will buy your story for a few hundred Gs if you manage to knock up someone before the photo shoot.

Celebrities Cashing In: Angelina and Brad ($14 million for twin's People cover); Jamie ($1 million from OK!) and Britney Spears ($6 million with OK! for Sean Preston shots); Thomas "Pregnant Man" Beatie,; Nicole Richie ($1 million from People); Clay Aiken ($500k for People); Ricky Martin (undisclosed from People Espagnol)

ENDORSEMENT DEALS

Who can think of Ciroc Vodka without thinking of Diddy's smirking mug as he butchers his way through a Frank Sinatra tribute? Luckily, brand names are still willing to pay heavy green to get a celebrity endorsement, ranging from LiLo's subtle Ariva nicotine gum sponsorship to Lauren Conrad's entire line of H&M knockoff clothing. Tip for inspiration: Are you famous? This only works if you're famous.

Step 1 — Look around your house. Find things you like there. (It could be pots and pans, Gogurt, your bong).

Step 2 — Call the 800-number on the back. Tell the nice people in India who pick up exactly who you are, and that you'd like to endorse their product and are willing to listen to offers.

Step 3 — *magic*

Step 4 — You are even richer than you were previously and now have a house full of yogurt flavored bongs with your face on them! Hooray!

Celebrities Cashing In: Everyone in Hollywood really, but the most egregious offenders are … Lauren Conrad (clothing line); Jennifer Lopez (her Sweetface line grossed $130 million); Paris Hilton (perfume, burgers); Diddy (Ciroc made him $100 million); Tiger Woods (Nike got him $105 million, but he just lost his car deal); Michael Phelps (total Kelloggs/Speedo/Visa endorsements valued at $50 million)

BRING SEXY BACK

Washed up 80's teen celebrity? Sexy heiress? Member of Kiss? Then making a sex tape is exactly what you need to jump start your career into high, cash-littered gear. The best way to make money out of this expenditure is to anonymously "leak" part of the tapes to the web, pretend to act shocked and disgusted that someone would try to destroy your reputation, then sell the rights of the footage to an online adult website – because "people are going to see it anyway" – while glossing over the part of legal code that requires your consent for the thing to be distributed at all. That way it looks like you're not ashamed and won't let a little thing like getting caught answering your phone during sex ruin your career. Try to suppress that shit-eating grin while raking in the dough.

Celebrities Cashing In: Verne Troyer, Paris Hilton, Pamela Anderson, Tommy Lee, Gene Simmons, Dustin Diamond

LIVE FAST, DIE YOUNG

Just saying…nothing will get you that Academy Award/platinum record/movie made about your life than kicking the bucket before your time. Unfortunately, your parents will be sad, and your life will, if you're lucky, become a footnote in history to warn other bright young stars about burning too brightly. Also, you cannot cash cheques or make ATM withdrawals while deceased. On the other hand, you could always fake your death and move to a country where nobody knows or cares who you are (Canada?). But where is the fun in that?

Celebrities Cashing In: Elvis, Hunter S. Thompson, Heath Ledger, Anna Nicole Smith, Marilyn Monroe, Jimi Hendrix