It's hard to put an exact price on America's banks and automotive industries. Not just because, well, they're priceless, but also because whenever people try to lock down the exact number of trillions of dollars the government plans on taking out of your taxes to provide bailouts to the big conglomerates who were fool-hardy enough to lose your money in the first place, things get kind of shady. So shady, in fact, that Fox goddamn motherfucking Business Network had to sue the U.S. Treasury to get an amount.

So that got us thinking: With only a portion of that money – only a couple billions of dollars – which other niche industries could we save?

Nicolas Cage's Career

Nick Cage might be a Coppola by blood, and thus have an in with industry insiders, but the man is a true actor. Who else could star in Leaving Las Vegas, Adaptation, and Raising Arizona, carrying the whole film on their big shoulders (or nose, as the case may be). Unfortunately, times are tough for even the best nasally-voiced actors, and not including the National Treasure films, Cage's name has become synonymous with such failures as Bangkok Dangerous, Knowing, and The Wicker Man remake. Won't you please donate some funds for Nicolas Cage to take a break and come back after he remembers that he's not Keanu Reeves?

Movie Stores

Hollywood might not need your billions (don't listen to them when they say they do!) but Hollywood Video certainly does. Let's face it: ever since Netflix came on the scene, it has obliterated the competition of movie rental chains. Even big guns like Blockbuster has had a hard time catching up to the movie delivery service, and that was before Netflix started doing live-streaming.

Even tougher hit are the mom and pop stores and the niche porn shops all around America. No longer do men in trench coats need to furtively peruse the adult section, not when there are hours upon hours of porn waiting to be downloaded back at home.

Hotel Heiresses

Hey guys, don't laugh! Paris Hilton just had $2 million in jewelery stolen from her home on Friday. That's more money stolen than we'll ever see in a lifetime! Not to mention that the woman is box office poison, unless we are referring to her sex tape, which got more play than House of Wax and The Hottie and the Nottie combined.

And even though daddy might have his hotel billions, Americans should look to the Trumps, currently in a financial crisis of their own. And with Ivanka starting her own brown bagged lunch line, how will she and Observer-owning fiancee Jared Kushner ever come up with the dough to feed rich socialites poor people's food?

Novelty Merchandise Warehouses

Did anyone ever stop and think about what will become of all the giant novelty dice on the mirror of cars once the auto industry goes bankrupt? What about "signing gifts" for getting a new Ford, like a giant pen, or maybe some of those mud flaps in the shape of girls for your Chrysler truck?

Right now, automobiles are doing so poorly in the market that the cars are practically buy one, get one free, and there will be no more room for Hummerstuff.com in the new market.

The ASPCA

No joke, you want to know who could use your money more than the government? The American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals. Because think about it: once humans become the obsolete species, what initiative will protect us against the robots? The HASPCA (Humanoid ASPCA), that's who. If you still don't want to donate, watch this video of a cat with cerebellar hypoplasia. Or imagine your favorite scene from Blade Runner. Both work.