Happy 2009! Rather than making our own New Year's resolutions, we've decided to make up the resolutions of celebrities and personalities on their behalf. It's a Jossip public service! Of course, we forgot to include everyone, and that's where you come in.

Bernie Madoff: Nothing. There is seriously nothing Bernie Madoff could do to make the world a better place at this point. Unless…okay, Madoff resolves for 2009 to assemble a crack team of experts including locksmiths, code analysts, card counters, a disguises guy, and Brad Pitt. They knock over a couple crooked casinos in Vegas and pay off that $50 billion he owes back to the US cash stream.

Barack Obama: Resolve to make his campaign as transparent as he claims it is. Or resolve to stop using that word as it applies to his cabinet appointments, diplomatic foreign relations, and treatment of the press. Otherwise, we're good.

Katie Couric: Resolve to interview at least one stupid politician a year so we can continue to like her. Preferably, the politician will always be a self-righteous hypocrite whose smarmy banter is as susceptible to minor pokes as wet Kleenex. Hilarity will always ensue!

Ben Silverman: Promise to quit his job as co-chairmen of Entertainment unless he can get 30 Rock as popular as The Office.

Tom Cruise: Since he's already promised to stop talking about Scientology, all we ask now is for him to make more Magnolias and fewer Valkyries. Without some hits, '09 could be the year Cruise completely pisses away his legacy.

Tina Brown: Make a vow to hire every talented, unemployed media person and let them suckle at the teat of The Daily Beast until the recession is over.

Ariana Huffington: Ariana needs to start paying bloggers. Her daughter just "came out" to society at a goddamn $14,000 per table debutante soirée, so we know the money's there. And now that The Daily Beast is paying contributors, the competition is there, also. Get with the times and start respecting the help, HuffPo.

The ultimate fighting industry: At long last, give the people what they want this year. Stop pussyfooting around with "mixed martial arts," take the fight out of the octagon, put it in a dirty alley and arm the competitors with brass knuckles and steel pipes. That is ultimate.

Rick Warren: Rick Warren needs to swear on a stack of Bibles that he'll go fuck himself.

Comedians: In 2009, let's see comedians abandon "edgy," "cool," "indie" comedy and start telling jokes again. We'd rather have one funny, straightforward joke this year than five million bullshit YouTube shorts in which characters ironically play off the 80s, substance abuse or low-class America. Enough. Get back to the days of funny ha ha, not funny odd.

Shoplifters of the world: Unite and take over.

Rush Limbaugh: Rush needs to resolve to continue adding butter and salt to everything he eats, which should this year include cheese fondue at least twice a day. Also, he should keep smoking cigars and rarely exercising.

Rahm Emanuel: Everyone's favorite nine-fingered politi-thug should come clean about how he lost his finger – yubitsume (finger-shortening), a Japanese ritual to atone for offenses – and enact the practice throughout the upper echelons of American government. We reckon Lieberman will be digitless by June.