2:32: It looks freezing.

2:33: Joe Biden and wife look cold. Obama and Michelle look p. comfortable, actually. Goddamn.

2:35: Whoops, the Sargent missed the first half of the national anthem. It's like the trickiest song…no lead-in. You are forgiven! A little whoopsie on the ending too.

2:37: Denzel Washington, "You don't see Will Smith up here, do you?! Who's getting this role now, bitches?" (He even LOOKS like him.)

2:38: Choir plus Bruce Springsteen. Come on up for the rising.

2:47: Martin Luther King III and some chick from John Adams! Perfect harmony.

2:50: Mary J. Blige "Lean on Me!" She blends right into the background of the memorial steps. Beige was a bad choice, Mary J. Also, those boots? Those are stripper boots.

2:53: Jamie Foxx and Steve Carell. I'm envisioning this as the "George Bush doesn't care about black people" of 2009.

2:55: Jamie Foxx, also vying for the role of Barack Obama, apparently. He looks more like Malcolm X though.

2:57: Betty Laverne and Bon Jovi. Bon Jovi is still hot, wtf dark magic is this?

3:00: Tom Hanks…luckily isn't trying to vie for the role of Obama in the next big biopic. Maybe Biden? Or maybe the voice of God.

3:03: Tom Hanks speech summed up: Fuck you, Bush.

3:07: Marissa Tomei quoting Ronald Reagan…not exactly the best choice for a speech. Smattering of confused applause.

3:10: James Taylor (looks Russian), John Legend, and Jennifer Nettles! Who? I dunno!

3:14: Biden reminds me of Jimmy Stewart. John Melloncamp reminds me of Tom Arnold. With a guitar.

3:20: Melloncamp's song is a little bit biting, "Ain't that America" with all the pictures of "common folk" doing their jobs. Probably taken before the housing market burst and all these people lost their jobs.

3:21: Queen Latifah is speaking about Marion Anderson. And my dad is going "mm-hmm, mmm-hmmm!" in this really weird, "fight the power" way.

3:22: Oh, so instead of Marion Anderson, we get Josh Grobin, man of a million Emmy-voices? Sweet.

3:27: Kal Penn is being swooned over by Malia and Sasha. They are taking pictures of him. Kal Penn for Secretary of HOTTIE.

3:38: Jack Black and Rosario Dawson. I thought she was African-American till last night on SNL. Now I know she is Latina. Learn something knew every day. Also: Jack Black you can never say anything that doesn't sound like a punchline.

3:29: will.i.am, Sheryl Crow, and Herbie Hancock singing a Bob Marley song. will.i.am. looks surprisingly warm. I bet they hologrammed his ass in from Maui.

3:36: Tiger Woods and some song from Carousel that Pink Floyd used at the end of their album Metal. Subliminal message? Don't eat the brown acid.

3:40: Garth Brooks with American Pie. Thankfully not the whole thing. But please tell me how a song where the refrain is "the day the music died" is relevant to this occasion? Sing everybody, "THIS WILL BE THE DAY THAT I DIEEEE!"

3:43: Goes right into Shout, the bat-mitzvah song for the ages.

3:48: Ashley Judd and Forest Whitaker…these duos are even weirder than Academy presenters. Whitaker is getting me a little choked up though…time to take an anti-histamine.

3:49: Usher's coat rocks. Stevie Wonder on the piano. Shakira has leather pants.

3:54: Comment from the peanut gallery: "I would hate to playing a brass instrument right now." — My Dad

3:55: Samuel L. Jackson does that revisionist Rosa Park story where she wasn't part of a group that planned to get arrested that day as a social statement, and she was "just tired." Nope. Is continuing to tell the same myth over and over really what we need right now, Samuel L.?

3:59: Bono looks really cold, and his "In the Name of Love" looks like Joe Pantoliano trying to do his best U2 impersonation.

4:02: Bono shutouts for Palestine AND Israel. Meanwhile Gaza Strip ceasefire. Coincidence?

4:10: These birds don't look too happy.

4:11: Barack Obama is the fucking man. Time for real talk/safe talk from our president-elect. Too long, didn't listen? "Stuff sucks, but we are one. And I am Barack Obama and you made this belief real. Salaam aleikum, my brothers."

4:19: Haha, Pete Segar and his hat. Loving it. "This land was made for you." Barack Obama should elect him Secretary of Santa Claus.

4:23: Beyonce for the big finale. Ooh look, no one is sharing the mic with her…