You didn't drive all the way from Wasilla to DC just to stand in the freezing cold with a bunch of turkeys on the Mall when Barack Obama gets inaugurated, right? The real fun of D.C. (a phrase never uttered before) will be found at the inauguration balls, galas, parties and general rioting, in that order. That in mind, we present the best pre and post Inauguration Day parties that Barack Obama will definitely not be showing up for.

Hip-Hop Caucus
Jay-Z, Jamie Fox and "celebrity friends" are hosting the hip-hop version of an inaugural ball at Ibiza on the 19th, the night before most parties get under way. The Hip-Hop Cacaus is a non-partisan group designed to get teens interested in urban policy-making, and they're holding week-long events to kick off Obama's presidency. If you are a geeky white dude, go to this party and at the door tell them, "No, it's cool, I voted for Obama." And then fist-pound. Right?

Huffington Post's Pre-Inaugural Ball
I'm psyched to be going to Arianna's bash, because David Gregory is going to be there, and whenever he bends over I'm going to make a farting noise behind him. Other guests filing into the New Museum that night include Sting(!), Tom Hanks, will.i.am. and probably most of the bloggers in the known blogoverse. We are going to cause a blackout with all our liveblogging.

Green Inaugural Ball
Who else but Al Gore would set this up? It's nice to be reminded that, even though gas prices have gone down and everyone is unemployed with the recession, we still have global warming to think about. Everything about this event will be "crunchy," from the recycled green carpet to the "crunch" of your $300 a plate dinner, complete with raw vegetables and soy sticks.

Google's Inaugural Lounge Thingy
From the sound of it, the Google/Leadership Conference on Civil Rights bash is basically going to be a giant fundraiser that "will have laptops set up around the room where guests can make donations to five nonprofits." Sounds fun. Hope drinks are on the house. Hey, if you weren't invited to the Google party, you can still donate! Thank gawd.

James Austin Spangle's House Party
Who is James Austin Spangle? I have no idea. But he's on Facebook and he says he's hosting/DJing a four day house party at his casa near Clevelend Park. All cool people are invited to chill, but "losers, cowards, quitters, etc. are systematically pummeled for entertainment." We all went to high school with James Austin Spangle, and now we're all going to end up at his house at four a.m., smoking shitty blunts and listening to him spin "deep house." Join the fun!