Bill O'Reilly is a stupid coward who makes absurd arguments and would be funny were he not so widely respected by people too old to know they're racist. We mention this because, once again, the lying idiot has declared war on some entity – in this case the New York Times – with which he disagrees enough to be libelous. Perhaps you can tell by our tone that we've come to expect this sort of thing out of the sexually-harassing rat.

The war on "Happy holidays!"
Bill O'Reilly is a stupid, white, East Coast Catholic who would own slaves if he could. He's long said he's comfortable with the white, Christian, male power structure, and he's long been paranoid about people he thinks are out to destroy said power paradigm. Thus it's no wonder that he finds it ceaselessly irritating when anyone says "Happy holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas" during the weeks of the holiday Christmas season. To acknowledge holidays and celebrations other than Christmas is to acknowledge America's Jews, Muslims and atheists, all of which are groups of people O'Reilly, a rich, white, Christian, man, finds intimidating. Here's his fear expressed in words he said himself out of his fat, empty head: (after saying secular progressives are waging a "war" on Christmas and listing what toy stores should be boycotted for not using the phrase "Merry Christmas" in their advertising) "[B]ecause if you look at what happened in Western Europe and Canada, if you can get religion out, then you can pass secular progressive programs, like legalization of narcotics, euthanasia, abortion at will, gay marriage, because the objection to those things is religious-based, usually." Next time you see Billdo in December, be sure to say, "Merry Christmas, you pathetic idiot."

The war on The Bourne Ultimatum
Bill O'Reilly is an unintellectual, simplistic dipshit who thinks with his balls and his heart and not his brain. So when big, thinking man's action movie The Bourne Ultimatum came out in 2007, you can bet your ass Billdo was there to rage. Calling it "a slick propaganda package," O'Reilly argued that Ultimatum was anti-American because the plot revolves around an American escaping from and sometimes killing evil Americans. Good action movies, we can only assume Billdo believes, depict Americans murdering people unlike them. We also presume Bill hates Civil War movies and will boycott the inevitable Pat Tillman biopic. Then again, maybe Billdo just wanted to see Ultimatum fail because it was produced by Universal Pictures, a subsidiary of NBC Universal, the parent company of Fox News' hated rival MSNBC. Either way, Bill O'Reilly is an insane, sad baby.

The war on Michael Moore, the Nazi
Bill O'Reilly is an ignoramus who, when flummoxed, just starts screaming and calling people names, as most ignoramuses are wont to do. Back in 2004, after the premiere of Micheal Moore's Iraq War documentary Fahrenheit 9/11, Billdo called literally everyone who made and saw the movie Nazis:

Joseph Goebbels was the Minister of Propaganda for the Nazi regime and whose very famous quote was, 'If you tell a lie long enough, it becomes the truth.' All right? 'If you tell a lie long enough, it becomes the truth.' And that's what … Michael Moore and all of these guys do.

So who turns out for the screening of this movie last night? You ready? Now, here are the celebrities that turn out. Here are the people who would turn out to see Josef Goebbels convince you that Poland invaded the Third Reich. It's the same thing, by the way. Propaganda is propaganda. OK? … Billy Crystal. Martin Sheen. Leonardo DiCaprio. Ellen DeGeneres. David Duchovny. Sharon Stone. Meg Ryan. Ashton Kutcher. Demi Moore. Norman Lear. Rob Reiner. Jodie Foster. Chris Rock. Larry David. Jack Black. Matthew Perry. Diane Lane.

That's right, Bill O'Reilly said Fahrenheit 9/11 was like Nazi propaganda and then called a bunch of Jews, blacks and gays Nazis for going to see it. What a stupid fucking dunderhead.

The war on Keith Olbermann
Bill O'Reilly is a cowardly, arrogant prick who can't stand sharing the spotlight or facing criticism. So when MSNBC fired Phil Donahue and replaced him with the more acerbic, funnier Keith Olbermann, who delights in taking Billdo to task for his nightly bullshit, O'Reilly immediately tried to have Olbermann removed. The O'Reilly Factor Web site posted a laughable petition asking that MSNBC can Olbermann and reinstate Donahue. Olbermann responded by righteously giggling at Billdo, pointing out the factual errors in Billdo's ridiculous petition and then bringing up the time Billdo sexually harassed one of his subordinates by saying he wanted to rub her boobs with a falafel, because he is too stupid and culturally unaware to know the difference between a loofah sponge and a Middle Eastern chickpea dish.