Oh this week. The week where we lost the jobs we didn't even have! And we discovered you need to take classes in being Internet famous! And also that the female answer to sex dolls is stuff like roller coasters and the Berlin Wall. So what big stories did we pass up this week so we could brood about the fact that Blair Waldorf considers Oberlin the dregs of the collegiate pool?

Christian Bale: America's Most Congenial Actor

We were so psyched for this profile piece on America's favorite Newsie. He's involved in a couple charities, he was a really good Dark Knight and generally seems like the kind of guy you want to work with on a movie. You know, like just be some sort of gaffer or something on his latest film. That would be fun. We were all set to go on this article until we hit a major snag: How were we supposed to know Bale wasn't actually American?

What's John McCain Up To?

Even though he's no longer running for president of the United States, we follow John McCain around in a tour bus, on him like white on rice when he goes to a supermarket in Arizona, waters his lawn, or just plain argues policy with his TV. We were unfortunately scooped by The Huffington Post.

He's Just Not That Into You

Seriously, he's not. Stop fucking asking.

Stimulus, Shimulus: What's For Dinner?

We spaced out so hard on Restaurant Week. Did that happen already? What about Fashion Week? Did we miss that as well? There's still the Grammys, right? It just seems like everyone's so preoccupied by, like, not having a job or prospects or any financial security whatsoever that suddenly those glamorous, self-congratulatory events just totally slipped our mind. Luckily, we haven't missed Academy season yet. And unless we start thinking about all those Army suicides, we will totally cover this one.

O'Reilly Versus Olbermann Versus That Mean Three-Legged Dog On Your Neighbor's Lawn

Two one word: THUNDERDOME! Also, I think we should get an over/under pool going for how long it will take before Bill bites the dog and transfers his rabies.