Here They Come to Fade Away: Fallen American Heroes
 

superman-flying09

America loves a good, all-powerful deity figure to worship, don't we? But when church just isn't thrilling anymore, people tend to look up to shining figures in our culture and place upon them the immense responsibility of being a "hero," which comes with the burden of having to live up to everyone's standards at all times, be perfect in every way and not ever fuck up. Let's take a look at some of the more recent heroes our country has chosen to celebrate, and whether they were able to live up to the hype.

 
Their Strengths Their Kryptonite
andrewjackson09
Andrew Jackson		 Seventh president of the United States, he helped create the modern version of the Democratic Party. Also a war hero, but in that 1812 War, which barely counted. Native Americans, who Jackson killed in abundance. Oh, and that whole "Trail of Tears" thing. Just basically a huge ethnic cleansing proponent, but hey, that's not going to stop us from putting him on the twenty dollar bill.
vanessa09
Vanessa Williams		 In 1984, Vanessa Williams was the first African American to be crowned Miss America, overcoming the hurdles of racism (and an immense amount of hate-mail) to show that women can be beautiful as well as smart. "Porn." When Penthouse photos surfaced showing Williams in suggestive positions with another woman, she was stripped of her title. Proving that Americans can be tolerant of most anything, except the lesbian porn they secretly stash beneath their bed.
tedhaggard09
Ted Haggard		 Preacher who created a huge following and was named one of the top 25 influential Evangelicals by Time magazine in 2005. Gay men and meth. Which wouldn't have been a problem if he was a Unitarian preaching over in the Castro district, but unfortunately for Haggard, Middle America wasn't so keen on taking their God advice from some guy who loved to smoke two different poles at once.
phelps091
Michael Phelps		 Faster than a speeding underwater bullet, more powerful than a Merman, able to eat 12,000 calories in a single bound; Michael Phelps was glorified into a national hero this summer when he brought home eight Olympic gold medals from Beijing. Those incredible lungs on that kid were able to hold more than air, apparently. After it came out that Michael Phelps partook in the occasional bong hit, Kellogg's pulled him from their campaign, Subway stopped putting him on their TV ads and parents all over the world clucked their tongues at the example he was setting. National amnesia set in as people forgot that Phelps wasn't any sort of role model to begin with, just a 23-year-old who could swim exceptionally well.
sully091
Captain "Sully" Sullenberger
 Calm in the face of danger, Sully was able to crash-land a plane into the Hudson River last month without injuring a single passenger after geese got caught in the plane's engines. Besides the aforementioned geese? So far Sully has appeared to be an honest-to-god American Hero(TM): not asking for credit or prestige, just an average guy doing his job. If we were in the street art business, we'd be making a ton of "Sully's Got a Posse" stencils right now.
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Barack Obama		 Our 44th president, who won the office on a campaign of Hope and Change during a difficult time in our nation. Has yet to magically save the country.
batman09
Bruce Wayne		 As Batman, he saved Gotham from Joker and numerous other villains. Super-rich and uses his money to fight crime. Is vigilante justice personified. Pushes mom and yells at people. Also not American.
Feb 10, 2009 · 128 views (beta) · Link · 5 Responses
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Comments (5)

No. 1 · I don't think Bert and Ernie are gay... just looking for the right women.

"Also not American" - hahaha
I'm still stunned at the response towards MP smoking weed. I'm going to be honest, it's what made me decide to never touch a bong. Not because I will get in trouble, but because everyone I respect who covered it seemed to be against marijuana use. Not only does everyone I know, no matter how intelligent, smoke up, but I constantly hear of the new research coming out of UBC showing it's not all that bad. My doctor even agrees. So, thanks to his downfall, I'm gonna take the safe road.

Posted: Feb 10, 2009 at 7:56 am · @Reply · [Flag?]
No. 2 · I don't think Bert and Ernie are gay... just looking for the right women.

Oh, and before I go and forget! You look like Amelie Poulain! Unfortunately, stealing faces is still impossible.

Posted: Feb 10, 2009 at 8:18 am · @Reply · [Flag?]
No. 3 · kelz

Also should be added…

Thomas Jefferson -slave mistresses
A-Rod (How did you leave this guy out?) -steroids
OJ -murder
Michael Jordan -baseball, gambling
Pete Rose -gambling
Bill Clinton -chubby interns
George W. Bush (for a brief moment after 9/11 he was a hero) -Iraq, Afganistan, the economy, the environment, etc.

Posted: Feb 10, 2009 at 10:22 am · @Reply · [Flag?]
No. 4 · Darth Paul

@I don't think Bert and Ernie are gay… just looking for the right women.: What a paragon of wisdom you are.

Posted: Feb 10, 2009 at 11:10 am · @Reply · [Flag?]
No. 5 · I don't think Bert and Ernie are gay... just looking for the right women.

Usually when people say things that nice, they're being sarcastic! Thanks!
It's a fucking comment on a blog, no need to bitch. Even if it is lame, ya know?

Posted: Feb 10, 2009 at 11:28 am · @Reply · [Flag?]
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