Sorry, Phelps, We Don't Care
 

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Oh, waaahhh! Your lanky child king Michael Phelps is in hot water after being caught smoking pot, a relatively harmless drug that probably shouldn't be illegal? Good! And we hope they prosecute him for it.

Listen, we're for sensible drug policies just as much as the next idiot college kid who makes a very important Facebook group about it. We love freedom and good times and beers and breasts and America, and we don't begrudge anyone their participation in the many wonderful vices this nation has to offer. What we're also a fan of, though, and what too often gets thrown to the wayside when discussing the stupidity of "heroes," is personal responsibility. Michael Phelps fucked up, and now he's got to pay for it.

We're not saying we agree with the marijuana laws in South Carolina (or America, for that matter), what we're saying is that they exist, and he broke them in one of the stupidest ways possible (even we, with our zero dollars in endorsement deals, know to not let people take pictures while everyone's doing drugs). For Michael Phelps, swim god, to not face any consequences at all, no matter how many gold medals he has, would be hypocritical and outright idol-worship.

We're talking about a guy who was paid hundreds of thousands of dollars to say he liked Subway sandwiches and Kellogg's cereal, opportunities for which many people would kill. And as with most jobs, his employers expected him to maintain a certain image. Society asks priests to not get married and policemen to cut their hair short; Phelps was asked simply to not wild out at college parties in South Cackalacka with stoned coeds. He failed to do that, so now he's got to be responsible and take his licks. So why is everyone hellbent on making him a martyr?

Google "leave phelps alone" and you'll see what we mean. Writers from Andrew Sullivan to angry liberal undergrad zeroes have taken to their keyboards to bitch and moan about how Phelps "did nothing wrong." Um, we know it's hip to be all mellow about drugs, maaaaan, but, yes, he did do something wrong. And he got caught. And he's probably not going to be prosecuted and he might end up losing a few million dollars out of the 100 he's got coming to him. Big whoop. Don't people have better things to do with their time than kiss millionaire athletes' asses?

In 2006, almost 8,000 non-famous black men were arrested for the possession of marijuana in South Carolina. Call us when they get their Facebook petitions and we might start giving a damn about Michael Phelps losing his cereal money.

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Comments (13)

No. 1 · Joe Blow

Why are you not writing more about A-Hole who IMO blatantly lied to his fans for years and whose trangression are FAR worse that Phelps and his silly little pot smoking stunt. From all accounts A-Hole will not be punished by the Yankees and his fans are like sheep, one forgives they all forgive. I hope Phelps finds out who took and released the pic and then unleashes a smackdown on em.

Posted: Feb 11, 2009 at 10:13 am · @Reply · [Flag?]
No. 2 · spottsy

We will never care about Michael Phelps loosing his cereal money. If he falls back on some "Aw shucks, I'm only 23" BS, then he deserves everything he gets. He knew perfectly well what he was doing. If he was standing up for everyone who loves weed in America and turned this into some civil disobedience act, then maybe we could care about what he stands to loose, but he is doing everything in his power to squirm out of the consequences he should be facing. That is not heroic.

Posted: Feb 11, 2009 at 10:20 am · @Reply · [Flag?]
No. 3 · Joe Blow

So did A-Hole and your point is?

Posted: Feb 11, 2009 at 10:30 am · @Reply · [Flag?]
No. 4 · I don't think Bert and Ernie are gay... just looking for the right women.

I don't fucking get anything. I thought you were 110% against marijuana use. Well, thank god, 'cause I'm going on a trip to Europe and I was damn anxious about how I know the people I'm going with are going to smoke up half of the time. I wish I got the right moral messages and worried about the right shit. Like how drunk and late I am right now.

Posted: Feb 11, 2009 at 10:50 am · @Reply · [Flag?]
No. 5 · Darth Paul

@Joe Blow: Do you know nothing about sociology and the history of drugs in this country?

Weed was originally associated w/'scary' minorities who did [insert sarcasm] terrible things to white women. The 60s revival saw it associated with pacifists and hippies. The 90s revival (at least per the media) was because of hip hop/gangsta rap.

Steroids have only a recent history that encompasses almost exclusively men trying to cheat.

Given that our politicians and corporate leaders are testosterone freaks obsessed with power and greed, it's clear that they'll pretty much overlook steroid abuse while shunning shiftless potheads. No, it's not fair, but that's the way it is.

Posted: Feb 11, 2009 at 11:59 am · @Reply · [Flag?]
No. 6 · Dan

Sorry Cord,

But this phony, pseudo-intellectual prattle is bullshit. It's hypocritical in that you think he should get punished for doing something wrong, but go just short of saying how you enjoy lighting it up yourself. And then you try and raise a legitimately important issue of racial bias/profiling with drug busts while copping out with a condescending article header.

And guess what? All those other busts throughout the country, regardless of their background, didn't go on to score a boatload of gold medals and capture world interest.

Cut him some slack and don't be a dick in the process.

Thanks! Dan.

Posted: Feb 11, 2009 at 3:16 pm · @Reply · [Flag?]
No. 7 · cheekemunkey

No smoke, no fire… I don't see what the problem is. So what he's holding a bong to his lips. Is that illegal in the US?

The worst thing Michael did was get bad advice from someone to admit it was him in the photo. Until that point, he 'alledgely' put a bong to his lips, and 'alledgely' inhaled some substance, which 'alledgely' was weed.

Is this really a good use of tax payers' dollars?

Posted: Feb 11, 2009 at 3:41 pm · @Reply · [Flag?]
No. 8 · Andrew

Your argument is futile and the sass even more so. This issue extends much further than mere sympathy for a successful athlete super star. It's about the hypocrisy of a company like Kellogg's which provides sugar-infused cereals and snacks to young kids, but won't tolerate a leaked photo of one of their "golden boys" doing what every normal American has done (at some point or another and with varying frequencies) and are concerned it might reflect poorly on them. But apparently they'd rather kids developed an increased risk of diabetes at a young age than a 23-year-old kid…um…feeling relaxed and…euphoric.

Jesus, I don't know why I'm perpetuating a one-sided debate over a veritably innocuous matter.

Posted: Feb 11, 2009 at 9:21 pm · @Reply · [Flag?]
No. 9 · Relentless

LAWL. Phelps did as I do every day. Weed is not bad. The only reason I made the decision to go to college is to get more weed money. This blog about him is not needed. He is a early twenty year old, doing what they do, SMOKE WEED. If he can win 14 gold medals. Then maybe we should be all smoking weed.

Posted: Feb 11, 2009 at 11:05 pm · @Reply · [Flag?]
No. 10 · I don't think Bert and Ernie are gay... just looking for the right women.

Darth Paul- Well said!

Posted: Feb 12, 2009 at 1:04 am · @Reply · [Flag?]
No. 11 · I don't think Bert and Ernie are gay... just looking for the right women.

"you think he should get punished for doing something wrong, but go just short of saying how you enjoy lighting it up yourself."
Yeah, but Cord described his Phelp's "something wrong" as letting himself get pictured. Is hiding it being a coward? Sure, but he proved he's a coward about his position on marijuana use in his apology. He's about the commerce, not the activism, and he fucked up. If you make a business error, you lose money (you're punished).
"And then you try and raise a legitimately important issue of racial bias/profiling with drug busts while copping out with a condescending article header."
The point is that some people are getting arrested for possesion of what he calls a "relatively harmless drug" and some millionaire just lost a little dough he wouldn't even have time to use. Which one is more of a concern? Who is more harmed? Oh, right, WHATEVER, Phelps. Sorry if that's condescending.

Posted: Feb 12, 2009 at 1:14 am · @Reply · [Flag?]
No. 12 · spence

I feel far more sorry for the other 8 people who have been charged for being at that party then phelps

Posted: Feb 12, 2009 at 11:00 am · @Reply · [Flag?]
No. 13 · redsongia

Give that man a big bonus!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(and what the heck, Give A-Rod a big one, too!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Posted: Feb 12, 2009 at 8:37 pm · @Reply · [Flag?]
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