Ever wondered what your favorite celebrities are thinking about? Luckily for you, Jossip has a pipeline directly into the brains of some of the world's biggest stars, and we're happy to share them.

Jessica Simpson checked out her ass in the mirror. "Not too bad," she thought, flexing each taut buttock individually before making them bounce up and down. In recent days, America hadn't seen too much of Simpson's bodacious glutes, and that made her sad. She sighed, and her eyes wandered up and down her gigantic, three-story closet. It was actually her pool house, but since she didn't go swimming much lately, she had converted it into a memorial for her discarded clothing. All size-2 skimpy outfits meant to show off as much skin as possible, probably over five million dollars worth in all. And for what?

Jessica turned away from the mirror, and picked up the fat suit that she had hatefully discarded into a pile of pink Juicy Couture track suits. She struggled back into the bulky body suit, hefting up the giant, sagging breasts till they fit perfectly over her own perky C-cups. She didn't pretend to understand why her publicist had insisted that she start going out wearing this thing, but then again there was a lot Simpson didn't understand, and she was wiser than most people in that she at least knew that she didn't know. Or something. After the whole "chicken of the sea" incident in 2003, Jessica had sworn that she would read up and get more knowledgeable, and for awhile she had hired a private tutor to give her the education she never received while on tour in her teens. But once again her manager dad undermined her attempt, saying, "People don't pay to have you sing about calculus or dolphin's rights, sweetie."

Jessica lugged her now-hefty frame out of the pool house and onto her patio. Even moving around in this 20-pound outfit made her tired and irritable, which apparently was what her publicist was hoping for. And it seems to have worked: After she had appeared at the Cincinnati Chili-Off wearing the suit, the paparazzi were suddenly staking out her house again, she had to rehire all those bodyguards that she let go after last year's Superbowl death threats died down, and she was back on the public radar again. "Hooray," she thought bitterly, as out of the corner of her eye she saw a man rustling around the bushes, trying to discreetly take pictures of her bulging belly. The rustling stopped. "Hey Jessica, you're fat!" screamed the brush.

"Fuck you!" Simpson hoarsely yelled back, genuinely hurt. She honestly didn't care about the attention anymore, she was over it, but after prodding from Ashlee, Tony, and her handlers, she had agreed to "gain weight" for this publicity stunt. It was going to be her big Britney comeback, but, unfortunately, in order to make her own "Womanizer," she'd first have to have a very public meltdown. She didn't do drugs, her dad had convinced her to get her tubes tied at sixteen so she couldn't get knocked up ("He'd thought better by the time Ashlee got around," thought Simpson ruefully), and she was metabolically incapable of gaining weight on her own. So fat suit it was. But meanwhile, it was hard listening to all the criticism about her body from the Internet. People called her a fat, ugly disgrace. Even more hurtfully were the "compliments," when the tabloids that talked about her weight gain as if it was a horrible, fatal condition that people would still love her through. She wasn't a leper, Jesus!

But if Batman had taught her anything, it was that the night is darkest before the dawn. Soon, her family promised, she'd be able to shed the suit and strut around the stage again without being distracted by her large frame. She'd be able to be a role model again for young girls who wanted to grow up and wear a pair of Daisy Dukes as well as she did. But first she had to make herself a monster, as reprehensible to the celebrity world of beauty as humanely possible. She needed to pretend to be a size 10 for just a little bit longer. Then she would show them. She would show them all what a real woman could do.

Photo: Getty