It's been a long week, kids. Sometimes the days just all blur together and it's spring before you know it! We're in the middle of April, right? Oh well. Here are five articles we were planning to write but just never got around to doing. Sit back, relax, drink a '76 Merlot (just kidding, Merlot is gross) and enjoy.

Joaquin Phoenix: Behind the Music

We contemplate what kind of deep, sonorous tones will accompany Leaf Phoenix (better known as Joaquin) as he gets ready to shock the world with his first studio album. Will it be Timbaland's sonic soundscapes? A Kanye-Daft Punk robot mash-up? We explore what back beats best flow with the sound of one man's career going down the drain.

We also planned on doing an intimate portrait of Joaquin's beard, but we sent one of our guys in there a week ago to get a closer look and we haven't seen him since.

Dating Advice from One of Our Favorite Young Musicians!

Unfortunately, our interview with Chris Brown got stalled after he called to tell us he'd be tied up for awhile.

How Many Babies Can You Have?

This concept was actually more game show material than an article. Just think: If Nadya Suleman could get so much bank exposure off of having eight babies in one sitting, how many other bored teenagers are out there waiting for their chance at the national spotlight and some taxpayer money? Let's turn it into a reality contest: It will be sort of like the plot of Slumdog Millionaire, except instead of clues buried throughout someone's past, it will just be a lot bitches fighting over the last turkey baster and IVF coupon.

A-Rod: How Does He Do It?

Man, that guy just seems to have it all together. Wonder how he keeps up all the baseball and Madonna-boning, while still finding time to be an inspiration for all the kids. Especially back in 2003. That was a really good year for Rodriguez and there is absolutely nothing he could do or say to tarnish our country's pride in…whoops.

Does anyone have Michael Phelps' number? We're going to need a good clean athlete without a history of substance…no?

Goddammit.

PETA Costume Contest

Lets see, we have PETA 2005, PETA 2006, PETA 2008, and now…Well, at least they did something original this year.