Welcome to "What America Wants," in which we dissect the box office grosses for the weekend and come up with what everyone in this great country is in desperate need of this week.

Friday the 13th

19 years after the original was released, this remake stabbed and bludgeoned the competition in its first week out, raking in just over $42 million. Aptly released on Friday the 13th, the film's take was the largest opening in history for a horror film. Not bad for being made on a budget of $19 million.

Conclusion: Things have gotten bad enough that the average American moviegoer is finally ready for the simple pleasure of watching happy, pretty people get straight up hacked to death. Billion dollar idea: Jason Takes Wall Street.

He's Just Not That Into You

This racist, sexist, homophobic, star-studded, simplistic idiot parade fell from first but managed to hold at number two, taking $19,610,000 at the box office. There was almost a 30 percent decline in people seeing this movie, which leaves us hopeful that it will soon be gone and forgotten.

Conclusion: We Americans just love discussing how complicated male-female relationships are. But we like killing much more.

Taken

For the third week in a row, Taken has outperformed industry folks' expectations, earning $19.25 million. Quite a feat for a movie with the worst final 30 seconds we've ever seen. Ever. Like, really deplorable.

Conclusion: Again, snapping necks is in.

Confessions of a Shopaholic

Based on a book of the same name, Confessions was dubbed by one critic "[the most] appallingly insulting movie in recent memory." That didn't stop Americans from plopping down $15.4 million hard-earned dollars to see it.

Conclusion: One great effect of the recession: Movies about white people buying things are now much less appealing to people than seeing teenagers get snuffed out by a crazed demon.

Coraline

Paul Blart: Mall Cop was finally booted from the top five this week, replaced by the critically acclaimed Coraline. The creepy stop-motion gem brought in $15.3 million this week, bringing its total haul up to $35.6 million.

Conclusion: People have no taste. Coraline should be at number one.