Welcome to "What America Wants," in which we dissect the box office grosses for the weekend to ascertain what everyone in this great country is in desperate need of this week.

Watchmen

Can we stop hearing about this movie now, nerds? Predictably, this comic book adaptation took the top spot at this weekend's box office, earning $55.7 million. It was the biggest debut of the year, and yet, still a disappointment.

Conclusion: You can have all the hype you want, without the star power of Spiderman and Dark Knight, people just aren't that into you.

Madea Goes to Jail

Oh boy, more of this guy dressing up like a granny! $8.8 million put this schlock at number two.

Conclusion: Ironically, as much as churchy people hate gays, they love cross-dressing. We've no idea why that is, but it's why the Bible-thumping Tyler Perry's rich.

Taken

This raucous sleeper broke arms and shot brains on its way toward its sixth week in the top five.

Conclusion: People enjoy violence.

Slumdog Millionaire

Buoyed by its multiple Oscar wins, the 17-week-old Slumdog took in another $7 million.

Conclusion: Foreign films are alright as long as they're in English and win Academy Awards.

Paul Blart: Mall Cop

After a brief tumble, somehow, someway, this piece of shit found its way back into the top five.

Conclusion: The chubby bumbling idiot routine will never die. Kudos, Kevin James, for running the best racket around. Same goes for you Drew Carey, and you Homer Simpson, and you George Costanza, and you…