If life is a game, we, the sad bastards forced to live it, are winning and losing all the time. This is our attempt to tally the score. This week, Santelli's shrill and New Mexico no longer kills.

CHAMPS

Sacha Baron Cohen, who's going to get countless more millions simply by making Borat gay and Austrian. Moviegoers will fall for anything!

Black people, who have finally earned the right to get killed as zombies in shooting games, just like everybody else.

New Mexico, which has repealed the death penalty and entered the realm of the civilized. Welcome to 2009, guys!

Mischa Barton. The OC dropout has once again been spared from oblivion, this time by the CW, the savior of terrible actresses everywhere.

Meghan McCain. Though widely hated and clearly misguided, she's making quite a name for herself as a salty addition to the disgusting stew we call "news." Good for her?

CHUMPS

James Franco, who's too hot for education. The Milk star is getting swarmed outside all his classes at Columbia. In our day, girls at fancy colleges had some dignity and refinement (no, they didn't).

Pious Catholics, who are, at this point, officially following a madman.

The Seattle Post-Intelligencer. RIP, dudes.

Don Imus, who has been diagnosed cancer. That's what's called nappy-headed, hoey karma, brother.

Rick Santelli's children. Sorry, guys, but your father is just the absolute worst person in the world. Once you hit 18, head out and don't ever look back.