Welcome to "What America Wants," in which we dissect the box office grosses for the weekend to ascertain what everyone in this great country is in desperate need of this week.

Knowing

What is this? Who has actually heard of this single-named movie? Were there any ads for it whatsoever? Who even knew Nicolas Cage was still acting? We thought he'd lost it and moved to Japan with a child bride years ago. But here he is, making $24.8 million at the box office this weekend.

Conclusion: Perhaps the film's story – an astrophysicist single-handedly saves the world from total collapse – struck a chord in this zeitgeist. Now save us, Nic!

I Love You, Man

Movie experts theorize that the reason this Apatow-like comedy wasn't first this weekend is because March Madness took precedent in the lives of the film's demographic, drunken, nacho-munching men aged 18 to 34. Nevertheless, it still made $18 million, meaning frat jocks have plenty of time to go see it and then incessantly quote every single line for weeks.

Conclusion: Don't release your bro movie during the month-long basketball holiday, bro. Especially when basketball is free to watch.

Duplicity

Part Ocean's 11, part Mr. & Mrs. Smith, this flick, the largest for Julia Roberts in years, proved much more disappointing than the movies it stole from, taking in only $14.4 million.

Conclusion: Cheaters never win.

Race to Witch Mountain

This Disney movie, about The Rock saving kid aliens and the world, was first last weekend. It's now fourth, though still ahead of Watchmen. Rage, nerds.

Conclusion: Chances are this movie would have done better this weekend had March Madness not been on, as basketball-obsessed parents refused to take their children to the movie theaters. Gotta love American priorities.

Watchmen

Struggling to stay alive until it can at least recoup its $200 million filming budget/ad campaign, Watchmen barely missed nabbing a full $7 million this weekend, putting its gross at a frustratingly small $98.1 million.

Conclusion: Don't expect another major motion picture about a niche, hyper-literate comic book anytime soon. Enjoy this one while you can.