It's becoming harder and harder for Muslims to travel freely around the world. Just last week, the airline AirTran found itself apologizing to a Muslim family after kicking them off a flight because one person asked about the "safest" seat on the plane and was instantly branded a terrorist by fellow passengers, flight attendants, and air marshals. With that in mind, and because we're so damn helpful, here's a handy guide to flying while Muslim.

Don't wear gloves
A California man recently had his private mail torn open by curious authorities after he dropped it off while wearing gloves; learn from his mistakes. Despite the cold weather currently plaguing the nation during what's being called "winter," do not wear gloves to the airport. If you do, don't be surprised when people suggest that your luggage is anthrax, bombs or anthrax bombs.

Don't be dark
Just because Barack Obama is president doesn't mean you won't get sent to Gitmo if you're caught trying to board a domestic flight with colored skin. The man is not a magic wand, people. To avoid any hassle, be sure you're white when booking plane tickets, or make sure to travel with eight or nine close Caucasian friends.

Don't talk
Wanna end up like the Muslim family of nine that was summarily booted off a flight to Florida on Thursday for discussing the safest places to sit on a plane? Didn't think so. Those guys weren't allowed back on their flight even after the FBI had declared they weren't a threat. If you'd like to travel by air safely and without incident, keep your mouth shut from the moment you check your bags to the moment you land at your final destination, especially if you're a creepy Muslim.

Don't have a beard
This one's easy, especially for the ladies: don't have a beard. When dressing and grooming yourself for your flight, think of TV hit Mad Men. Considering that the bullshit fearmongering of the 50s and 60s has contributed largely to the current alarmed zeitgeist, that show, about rotten white men and their awful wives, is actually a perfect model for your behavior.

Don't wear shoes
Now that the shoe has been co-opted by terrorists for use as both a bomb housing and a dangerous projectile weapon, wearing shoes to your flight is tricky. It's best to avoid leather numbers and sandals – Al-Qaeda's footwears of choice – and stick with good old American shoes: $300 basketball sneakers in which you'll never play basketball.

Don't fly somewhere Muslimy
Detroit, Houston, Southern California, Iran—all of these are places with a large per-capita Muslim population, and they should be avoided at all cost. Instead, try flying to comparable Christian cities, like Phoenix, Tulsa and Mobile.

Don't be Muslim
We'll stop beating around the bush: it's probably best to avoid air travel if you're a Muslim. Sorry, but asking people to let go of their irrational fear is harder than asking you to not take vacations or visit friends. We recommend looking into Greyhound. It worked for John Madden, and the routes are constantly updating. It's just a matter of time before those buses are going to Paris.

Don't dress too sexy
Following all the above rules? Good. Now the only way you can get consistently harassed on airplanes is if you dress too sexily. Cover up your thighs and heaving bosom and you should be fine.