The official Golden Globe nominations were held last Thursday. You know what that means: award season is upon us. Yay?

If you're starring in one of the movies nominated: fun! For the rest of us, as their recent ratings can attest, the Golden Globes and Oscars are just another snoozefest of self-congratulatory Hollywood crap. Every few years there might an upset, in which someone like Diablo Cody struts off with an award, but usually the awards shows highlight only "serious" thespians who practically scream "ACTING!" in every film (Philip Seymor Hoffman, I'm looking at you).

At least during the Golden Globes, which award both dramatic and comedic performances, there is a little leeway for goofiness. Still, it isn't enough. Who says that musicals have to get lumped in with comedy? Didn't anyone see Les Mis? Shit is sad.

If it was up to us, the Golden Globes would fracture their categories even further, until the real heroes of 2008 got recognized. Sure, the addition of our special awards would drag the ceremony out another 2 hours, but that's just more time for Sean Young to get wasted and start screaming at Julian Schnabel again.

Best Use of John Malkovich's Effeminate Rage

(tie) Burn after Reading, The Changeling

Best Movie About People Remaining Sexy During World War II

All of them

Best Use of Clint Eastwood telling Those Damn Kids to Get off His Lawn (Literally)

Gran Torino

Most Commitment to Looking Physically and Emotionally Brutalized

Mickey Rourke, The Wrestler

Most Disturbingly Sexy Scene

Seth Rogan, Elizabeth Banks Zack and Miri Make a Porno

Best Director Who Got into the Field Just to Piss off Her Husband

Madonna

TV's Most We-Used-To-Like-Them-But-Now-They're-The-Worst Couple

Jim and Pam, The Office

Show Everyone Pretends to Watch But Really Doesn't

(tie) Mad Men, Friday Night Lights

Grossest Thing John McCain Did During the Debates

That lizard thing

Most Conflicting Feelings We've Ever Had About an MTV VMA Host

Russell Brand and his repetitive jokes about the Jonas Brothers' virginity

Celebrity Cameo That Best Represents How We Think the Person Acts in Real Life

Jennifer Aniston, 30 Rock