Sad, bitter old man Billy Bob Thornton cannot be happy for one-time love Angelina Jolie, who he describes as doing through a "high school phase" by going steady with dreamboat Brad Pitt, who she met by the lockers after free period. Thornton, who married Jolie in 2000 and was gone three years later, says, according to AskMen.com, "You know dating the quarterback of the football team with Brad Pitt over there. She'll be waking up from that dream in no time." Naturally, that involves returning the comfort of his soul patch and gettin' hog wild to the tunes of his new album with The Boxmasters. Oh, we didn't mention that Thornton is going on this rant while promoting a new album?

Update: It turns out the quotes from AskMen.com may have been completely made up.