Portfolio's impending demise is true in theory only! All those reports about unhappy and fleeing staffers? Nonsense! "On the 11th floor of Conde Nast, there is not an ounce of concern," says publisher David Carey. Oh, and spokeswoman Perri Dorset says: "There is not a 'crisis' at all. Everyone here is working hard. Outside the media bubble, people are talking about the stories in the magazine."

Naturally, the only outlet willing to run this fictional side of things? Jon Friedman.