• Oprah Winfrey is really, really sorry that she "saved" a bunch of impoverished South African children by subjected them to habitual beatings and repeated fondlings.

• Paris' body is a wonderland.

• So is Hugh Jackman's, but for very different reasons.

• Catherine Zeta-Jones, like all women in Hollywood who drop a few pounds from eating healthy and exercising regularly, totes has an eating disorder.

• Meanwhile, Cate Blanchett has put on 2 or 3 pounds, which constitutes irrefutable evidence that she's knocked up.

• Jessica Simpson reminds us why her (creepy!) dad/manager is so proud of his daughter's rack.