• Lindsay Lohan's former bodyguard threatens to expose his former boss as a knife-wielding cokehead who sometimes gets frisky with the ladies. Quick, someone, get this man a book advance!

• Ever wondered what otherwise attractive celebrities would look like if they covered every square-inch of epidermis with body-mutilating tattoos? Now, you don't have to!

• Elisha Cuthbert travels back to the 1960's to get an awkward, Brady Bunch inspired 'do.

• Ricky Martin is crowned king of the Puerto Rican day parade. When reached for comment, a bitchy gay responded, "Um, he-llo, more like the queen!"

• Serena Williams to Kim Kardashian: Kiss my big, black ass.