• Paris Hilton's definition of contrition apparently involves SPF 8 and a skimpy green bikini.

• When you squint your eyes and look at Ozzy Osbourne from a certain angle, it almost looks as though he's sleeping with Ashton Kutcher.

• Lindsay Lohan is not pleased that the results of her toxicology tests were leaked, hence the whole "I'm totally taking this second stint in rehab more seriously" PR blitz.

• We've all heard the old saying (and a crappy 80's pop song) "opposites attract." And yet, for whatever reason, the smart, sober demographic failed to tune in for the premiere of Paula Abdul's new reality show.

• Before you judge Rebecca Gayheart for grabbing her hubby's crotch in public, just ask yourself how much restraint you'd have if you were married to Dr. McSteamy.