• Jilted ex Jennifer Aniston to turn her humiliating personal life into mediocre movie magic by starring in the pseudo-autobiographical film adaptation of "He's Just Not That Into You."

• Stick figure Teri Hatcher takes it all off for the Badgley Mischa. Presumably, because Vladamir Putin was unavailable.

• Shame on you, Chuck Norris. Both for having plastic surgery and for making us buy that worthless piece of crap known as the "Total Gym."

• Is Suri Cruise the newest Baby Gap spokesmodel? But What would Xenu do??

• Despite popping out three children, Heidi Klum is still skinner than you've ever been. Ever.

• Hilary Duff stops taking her horse tranquilizers and goes on a bender. As a result, she shows up for work chubby and hungover.