• Paris Hilton launches a new children's clothing line, tentatively titled "A Pedophile's Dreams Come True."

• As far as Fat Joe is concerned, anything that adds another 15 pounds is never good.

• Britney Spears proves she's totally not desperate by sleeping with Cameron Diaz's creepy magician ex.

• Meanwhile, anyone who accused Mena Suvari of "Pulling a Britney" as of late has clearly not seen any recent photos of Spears in her bikini.

• Amy Winehouse may have epilepsy! Presumably, the kind of epilepsy that makes you vomit uncontrollably after one too many horse tranquilizer margaritas.

• Andy Roddick wants you to play with his balls.

• Jessica Alba's personal assistant is suddenly having the Best Week Ever!