• Britney Spears foolishly squanders an opportunity to record a duet with her all too sympathetic ex, Justin Timberlake. Or, as Yeeeah puts it, "Justin Timberlake Tries To Ruin Career; Fails."

• Pee-Wee Herman (a.k.a. Paul Reubens) returns to television in the role of a "traveling homeopathic antidepressant representative/salesman." Which "beats" jacking off at a porno theater any day.

• That Pete Doherty is such a drug-addled mess, even his frickin' cat is hooked on heroin.

• Ever wished for the magical ability to turn everything you touch into crappy artificially fruit-flavored candy? No? Well, don't.

• Bill Murray gets pulled over for driving a golf cart under the influence. Which is kinda like Al Gore's son getting arrested for doing 120mph in a Toyota Hybrid, only exponentially less impressive.

• You want a Christmas card from Gisele Bundchen? Here—here's your Christmas card.

• Foxy Brown proves that even engaged, pregnant sort-of famous people can be thrown in jail. Tough break, Nicole Richie.