• Britney Spears is being investigated for child abuse. Obvious Guy says: "Um, it's about time!"

• Yep, looks as though Owen Wilson's request for privacy has been heard, dutifully ignored, and reprinted ad nauseum.

• Tracy Morgan's wife realizes the error of her ways, decides to divorce Tracy Morgan.

• Michael Vick finds Jesus. Funny, we didn't even realize he was missing!

• Meanwhile, DMX is just like Michael Vick, except minus the amazing athletic prowess. And the new crazy-religious kick.

• Cameron Diaz shops at Urban Outfitters?? Ewwww.

• Something about this post on Jessica Alba doesn't quite add up. Also: it's creepy.

• Brangelina's herd of adopted children are reportedly starry-eyed.