• Despite being locked up in a Utah rehab center, Lindsay Lohan has nonetheless managed to procure herself illegal drugs and "sex in a toilet cubicle" (or, as her counselors call it, "pulling a Larry Craig.")

• Britney Spears found guilty of child wardrobe abuse! Also, her crappy new single hits airwaves next week, much to the delight of snarky gossip columnist and YouTube parodists everywhere.

• Boycott the Olsens new clothing line! Because they're promoting the slaughter of cute little animals. And, well, because they expect you to shell out $150 for a faux-vintage t-shirt.

• Salma Hayek is totally looking forward to motherhood! Especially the part where she and her mysterious baby-daddy Francois-Henri Pinault live in complete separate continents.

• Hilary Swank shows off her brand-new A-cups in the the designer bikini version of the cheesy "tuxedo t-shirt."

• You know you're looking a mess when your fellow prison inmate describes your current weave by saying, "Her hair looks like whoever did it ran."