• Inappropriately aroused? Just try imagining Mary-Kate Olsen naked. Wearing nothing but jewelry. On a cold day.

• Madonna purchases a dick-in-a-box while her neutered husband looks on sheepishly.

• We're sorry, Maria Menounos, did our pin get in the way of your ass? Do us a favor and lose five pounds IMMEDIATELY or get out of our building, like now! Get out!

• Hills hanger-on Audrina Patridge defends her asshat of a boyfriend Justin Bobby, explaining he "had a hard time" with kissing her on camera. Fortunately, he had less of a hard time ditching her completely, leaving her stranded at Brody Jenner's party and taking off with some other chick straddling his Harley.

• The Daily Mail has trouble discerning whether a tear-stricken Sharon Osbourne is crying over her talentless daughter or her pneumonia-stricken pooch.

• The gripping footage of an overwrought Britney Spears' fan has sparked a myriad of reactions, causing some to question the validity of the tape and others to spout out witticisms like, "And you people want babies? Give me a break."

• Does Demi Moore ever smile? Seriously, ever?