• Avril Lavigne does her best Gene Simmons impression.

• Jessica Simpson does her best dramatic chipmunk impression.

• Sick of sneaking prescription meds and banging third-rate musicians in a bathroom stall, a totally sober Lindsay Lohan checks herself out of rehab.

• After steadfastly denying that he cheated on Kim Porter and had a sixth child out of wedlock, deadbeat Diddy generously agrees to pay child support for the bastard daughter who ruined his life.

• Celebrities like baseball! Which makes sense considering (a) it's America's pastime, and (b) they know all about being paid millions of dollars to perform four hours a day, six months out of every year, while wearing sort-of silly outfits and complaining about being overworked.