• Reason #312** why Virgie Arthur should not get custody of Dannielynn: She had a baby. With her stepbrother. Cher Horowitz would sooo not approve.

• Jessica Alba, looking tranny-chic.

• Pete Wentz wears designer womens' jeans, screws Ashlee Simpson and makes out with men. Which makes sense, considering he's obsessed with Wacko Jacko.

• Paris Hilton is back behind the wheel. At least until her next DUI.

• Coming soon: Spider-Man: The Broadway Musical! And here we thought we had to go to the ballet to see men in tights.

**For the record, reasons 1-311 were all variations of "because she's the one who raised Anna Nicole Smith."