• OJ Simpson cites racism as the reason for his being booted from an upscale Kentucky steakhouse. "Yeah, racism," sniffed the maitre d'. "That and double homicide."

• Because pee-wee violence suddenly becomes okay when it's set to the music of System of a Down.

• Jamie-Lynn Sigler admits she "hated every moment" of pop stardom. Don't worry, Jamie. So did we.

• Chapter 2 from Carmen Electra's guide to being sexy: "Breast implants are an Ugly Girl's best friend."

• As Paris Hilton said herself, "I don't read things, I just sign them." Which explains the grammatically sound, eloquent plea she's just released—through her attorney, of course.