In today's late-breaking edition of Cable Quotables, Intern Wendy finds out what makes the man behind the man in the bow tie tick, and learns more than she ever wanted to know about Tucker Carlson. So read on to hear about everything from Tucker Carlson's secret schoolboy crush to the dearth of muzak to a step-by-step guide for underachievers everywhere. It's a doozy! And anyway, it's free.

• "Actually I‘m going to reveal myself as kind of a sicko. I think the Speaker of the House is kind of a handsome woman. With that, we‘re going to end that before I get myself in trouble. Thank you very much. It‘s great to see you." Tucker Carlson, revealing his one-sided love affair with Nancy Pelosi, Tucker, July 27

• "Did the handcuffs — were they the furry kind?" Tucker Carlson, who likes his bondage warm and fuzzy, Tucker, July 27

• "But to read [Donald Trump's] books? That disqualifies you as a mother right there." Tucker Carlson, finally realizing who's to blame for Dina Lohan’s irresponsible child-rearing, Tucker, July 30

• "But this crop today, can you imagine an Elton John of today writing a 'Candle in the Wind' about Lindsay Lohan? I don’t think so." John Gibson, pissed that pantyless teen queens don’t inspire sappy elevator music, The Big Story, July 30

• "I’d tell them I’m failing most everything, but trying really hard. Then when the report card comes out and a 'C' or two pops up, man, I look like a genius." Neil Cavuto, handing out advice to Fox interns, Your World, July 30