• “Memo to 911 operators: If someone calls you and says there’s an eight-foot alligator in the kitchen, believe them.” —Bill O’Reilly, looking to get a gig as the next Crocodile Hunter, The O’Reilly Factor, April 24

• “Okay, you’re not an actress…what are you?” —Larry King, wondering what Pamela Anderson’s “talent” is, Larry King Live, April 25

• “You know, Dan, if there‘s anything a two-year-old really appreciates, it‘s an exquisite floral arrangement. They particularly like really rare orchids. $100,000 buys a lot of scary clowns, Dan.” —Stephanie Miller, justifying the cost of Suri Cruise’s birthday bash, Verdict, April 25

• “But look, when you‘re 15 and you know you got Bill O‘Reilly, an 80-year-old man, looking at you on YouTube or whatever, you‘re a loser. You‘re scarred for life. You‘re done.” —John Ridley, explaining what will really ruin Miley Cyrus’ career, Verdict, April 25

• “Three years, is a little excessive. Who‘s going to protect us from vampires? Who‘s going to play basketball with Woody Harrelson?” —Stephanie Miller, arguing for Wesley Snipes’ early release, Verdict, April 25

• “Oh, yeah. I feel the love.” —Bill O’Reilly, mancrushing on Jeremiah Wright, The O’Reilly Factor, April 28