This segment, brought to you by Intern Wendy and Bill O'Reilly, needs no introduction. But we'll give you one anyways.

Now that we have to feed you people twice a week, we can start to feel certain portions of our brain melting away as we pull the soundbites from our favorite cable TV personalities. Sadly, Tucker Carlson is missing from this week's edition … but, have no fear. We hear he'll still be on the air for at least another month or so.

• “So, when it‘s all said and done, is this between America and Iran? How can we say with a straight face that this does not involve America and Iran?” —Nancy Grace stops laughing at Elizabeth Smart to laugh at war, Nancy Grace, July 17

• “Oprah is really butch. If you took a good drag queen — a good drag queen version of Oprah and put it next to Oprah, you would not be able to tell these two apart.” —Tom O’Neil, Countdown, July 18

• “I mean, taking what we call talent from under the bright lights of the stage, as it were, and moving him directly into the position of general manager. Where do they get ideas like this? I don‘t care how sharp the guy is. What are the other players going to think? I mean, who would . . . Oh, yeah. Sorry, Mr. Abrams, never mind.” —Keith Olbermann is not feeling the love, Countdown, July 19

• “We hope to see you next time. If you don’t watch, I understand.” —Bill O’Reilly knows he has no viewers, The O’Reilly Factor, July 19

• “Am I turning into Bill O`Reilly? I really—I don’t want to be that guy.” —Glenn Beck, having a bloviator-induced hallucination, Glenn Beck, July 20

• “I actually read this book. Geraldo made me.” —Bill O’Reilly, the only man to read Geraldo Rivera’s autobiography, The O’Reilly Factor, July 20