Thank Jesus it's Friday. It's also Mexican Independence Day. And in between ordering our burrito and hiring armed guards to protect us from the crazed Radar staffers, we put together this week's Cable Quotables, compliments of Intern Wendy. It's hard to laugh when we're still crying over Tucker Carlson's execution from Dancing With the Stars, but Joe Scarborough recounting his douchebaggary helped. Just a little.

• “Here you are at a cat circus with a Russian mute clown. There is a chimpanzee jumping around on the set with you, and I think you are about to see something really special, which is Tiny Kiss, and there they are. That‘s a Kiss cover band of drunken little people." —Willie Geist, reminiscing about all the ways Tucker Carlson’s humiliated himself, Tucker, September 12

• “I said, What—he called me a blank-bag. My son said, yes, that was cool, wasn‘t it.” —Joe Scarborough, on how Jon Stewart captured his son's dream of calling him a douche, Scarborough Country, September 12

• “Regis earned my eternal respect because he chewed gum out of my mouth. He took gum out of my mouth and put it in his mouth and chewed it.” —Jimmy Kimmel, on how desperate Regis Philbin is for fans, Showbiz Tonight, September 12

•“You get a dog to lick your child‘s crotch and that‘s good? How long before child protective services shows up, I wonder? How many more Views before the state comes in and does something about it?” —Tucker Carlson, grossed out by Rosie O’Donnell diaper rash cure, Tucker, September 13

• “She tells me about your butt a lot in the MSNBC commissary, but I didn‘t know she was going to go public with that.” —Willie Geist, revealing Rita Cosby’s booty lust, Tucker, September 13

• “I am not a sex symbol! Shop showing my ass on TV!” —Bruno Tonoli, wanting to be known for his brain, Tucker, September 14

• “Perhaps you are an egomaniac.” —Tanika Ray, swimming in Tucker Carlson’s river of denial, Tucker, September 14