Constantly torn up in the press, Canadian rocker Avril Lavigne says she’d run a celebrity tabloid, but she’d “make it completely positive. There’s so much negativity right now. I’d pick up the big stories, but they’d have to be positive.” Congratulations, Avril, on hoping to lead the least-read tabloid on the newsstand. [R&M]

Yet-to-be notable Canadian blogger Zach Taylor – not to be confused with Perez sex chat scandal blogger Jonathan Jaxson – is pleased to report he totally got punk’d by Ashton Kutcher’s new show. Humiliation is the new flattery!

E!’s Pop Fiction, where Kutcher and his celeb friends get the press to publish their fake antics, told Taylor after the fact that they used him to push a story that fellow Canadian Avril Lavigne was pregnant. A friend of her fiance Deryck Whibley, of Sum 41, contacted Taylor with the faux story. He reported it, the grab-at-anything tabloid press picked it up, and Avril did her part to fuel speculation by denying the rumors and then go publicly shopping for baby clothes.

After the jump, a clip from the show featuring Paris Hilton and her fake spiritual adviser, punking the paparazzi.

CONTINUED »

• Avril Lavigne proves she can skank it up for the cover of Maxim just as well as anyone in the cool clique of B-list celebrities.

• Christina Aguilera got a c-section because she wanted to keep her vag tight. Those weren’t her words, but what she does say amounts to that.

• Tina Fey is hosting the first post-strike Saturday Night Live.

• Nicole Richie and Joel Madden hold onto to their outsider status by getting their coffee some place other than Starbucks.

• “Jamie Lynn Spears Is A Giant Whore” and other things her unborn child probably doesn’t want to know.

• Ironic imprisonment of former Prison Break star is less amusing for Lane Garrison than it is for us.

• Page Six uncovers that Matthew McConaughey doesn’t use deodorant. Here’s hoping that his next People profile reveals his toilet paper consumption.

• Bart Simpson, or rather Bart Simpson’s voice, Nancy Cartwright, gave $10 million to Scientology. Residual checks well spent!

• Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett Johansson go all the way and hold hands in public.

• Avril Lavigne enjoys her last few weeks with a bikini body.

• Jessica Alba is having a boy. Whatever, unless you’re buying a onesie for her, you have no business caring about this.

• Good news: If you like picturing celebrities doing menial labor, some has done the Photoshopping work for your imagination.

[Photo]

FERTILITY IS SO PUNK Avril Lavigne and Sum 41 singer Deryck Whibley are expecting a child. Sources say they’re hoping for a sk8er boi. Sorry, we couldn’t help it. [Mollygood]

• Avril Lavigne does her best Gene Simmons impression.

• Jessica Simpson does her best dramatic chipmunk impression.

• Sick of sneaking prescription meds and banging third-rate musicians in a bathroom stall, a totally sober Lindsay Lohan checks herself out of rehab.

• After steadfastly denying that he cheated on Kim Porter and had a sixth child out of wedlock, deadbeat Diddy generously agrees to pay child support for the bastard daughter who ruined his life.

• Celebrities like baseball! Which makes sense considering (a) it’s America’s pastime, and (b) they know all about being paid millions of dollars to perform four hours a day, six months out of every year, while wearing sort-of silly outfits and complaining about being overworked.

Dear Avril,

We read excerpts of the interview you gave to Q Magazine and thought we’d jot down a couple of quick thoughts/suggestions.

First of all, we noticed that you modestly described yourself as “a very giving person.” Not to nitpick or anything, but just so you know, true philanthropists generally don’t need to go around bragging (to random British magazines) about how selfless and giving they are. It’s not written in stone or anything, just customary.

Second, the definition of “giving” typically does not include stuffing six boxes full of Manolo Blahniks and ordering your assistant [Ed: Really? You have an assistant?] to “Take it to Katrina.”

CONTINUED »

• Pete Wentz and his unknown guest graciously smile for the cameras.

• Meanwhile, for once we actually agree with Perez. The most poignant way to describe Avril Lavigne is, in fact, by scrawling “SUX” over her face with a giant white sharpie.

• Never underestimate the brazen self-confidence of an overweight, SCRAM-wearing SNL alumnus.

• A movie adaptation of annoying late-90’s catch-phrase “He’s just not that into you?” We’re just not that into it.

• Tyra Banks donates $2300 to someone other than Tyra Banks. Now that’s fierce.

• Kate Walsh buys $4.5 million mansion for herself and her fiancé (and boyfriend of three months) which will be worth approximately $2.75 million after the inevitable quickie-divorce settlement.

• A furtive Ashlee Simpson hides her penchant for KY jelly from her pervy dad-slash-manager.

• Samantha Ronson may have royally screwed Lindsay Lohan in every way imaginable.

• Plus, now Ronson is “cheating” on LiLo with frenemy Nicole Richie.

• Meanwhile, that PSA Lindsay shot to discourage drunk driving is suddenly kind of hilarious.

• Avril Lavigne gives out her favorite digit.

• Next time you’re feeling down and out, look at it this way. At least you’re not some unemployed dude living out of your parents’ basement and resting your head on homemade Backstreet Boys pillows.

• Turns out that TB patient who defied health officials’ warnings by going on a wedding trip to Europe may not even have gotten married. On the plus side, he did, however, give lots of people a drug-resistant form of Tuberculosis.

Ever wondered how actresses and supermodels achieve that light, come-hither stare? Well now, here’s your big chance!

Thanks to the “Eye-Popping Celebrity Beauty!” feature from the creative minds at Us Weekly, we finally learn how Avril Levigne cultivates that subtle, au naturale look.

Levigne starts by applying a creamy, foundation base over the eyelids paired with a light, shimmery shadow, then adds enough eyeliner to make even Pete Wentz happy and then completes the look by framing her lids with luscious, fake fire engine red colored eyelashes.

It’s perfect for a romantic night in with your boyfriend (or brand new, inappropriately young spouse) and so versatile that it even works for a night out with the cast of Cirque de Soleil!

Mere weeks after Justin Timberlake and Cameron Diaz claim they were attacked by an X17 paparazzo (we believe it was “assault with a car”), yet another celeb got into a bit of a scuffle with the celeb hungry photogs.

Miss mean queen herself Avril Lavigne, along with her Sum 41 hubby Deryck Whibley took to the streets of Los Angeles and began spitting on paparazzi who tried to take their pciture.

According to reports, Lavigne spat in two separate incidents last week. Lavigne apologized for her “behavior with the paparazzi.”

However, her apology, posted on her Web site, indicated she “meant no offense” to her fans — not the paparazzi. She said she will always go out of her way for fans.

The news announced that Lavigne was “Sorry for spitting.” To which Whibley responded, “Maybe this will get her to swallow.”

Avril Lavigne: I’m sorry for spitting

*We apologize for the porn references — we blame the media.

• Contrary to popular belief, the other members of 98 Degrees did not die in a fiery accident. They’re alive and making dumbass mistakes just like the rest of the C-listers. [Newsday]

• Liza Minelli is proof that you can douse yourself with enough pills to take down a horse and still find work. [NYDN]

• We’re guessing they don’t have laws against spitting on people in Canada. [Perez Hilton]

• Without ever having heard a single note of his music, Fab Five Freddy should be an idol for all you kids out there. Somewhere, Kanye West is steaming with jealousy. [Page Six]

• We know we sort of told you about this already, but, we’re still laughing at Ryan Adams‘ attempt at rapping. [NME]

• Our dissing of Christopher Hitchens pales in comparison to the amount of hate the public has poured onto the Dixie Chicks. [Page Six]

• Quick, everyone, run to the Upper West Side and ring Moby’s bell. He won’t answer emails, but if you ring his bell, he’ll let you in. His e-mail says so. [Radar]

• Oh, Bobby Brown. We know Whitney Houston left your ass … but did you have to go straight into the arms of the other woman? [R&M]

• If two gay, aging pop stars can make peace, why can’t the rest of the world follow suit? [Y!]

• Oh Lord. Now that Avril Lavigne’s in love she’s gonna stop hating guys and stuff. Remember when Alanis Morrisette did that? Boo. We like our Canadians angry. [AOL]

• So, Beck is officially, absolutely insane? [Pitchfork]

• Nelly Furtado makes us face this simple fact of life: we’re all gay. [Sun]

• Justin Timberlake officially just got cool again. Though, we should have figured him for a junkie … his girlfriend’s a crackhead. [MSNBC]

• The brilliant plan to take a guy called C-Murder off house arrest scares us almost as much as Ann Coulter roaming free. Almost. [Jam!]

• From the diary of Pamela Anderson: “Dear Diary, Kid and I finally set the date for our wedding! I just hope Tommy Lee takes me back before July 29.” [Us Weekly]

• Rap’s new motto: guns don’t kill people, bling kills people. [HipHopGame]

• Two things nobody cares to know about Avril Lavigne: she ate junk food before her wedding and can’t dance. (When it doubt, blame it on being Canadian.) [Jam!]

• Keith Richards will play Johnny Depp’s drunken dad in the third Pirates movie, joining the ranks of Eminem, RZA, Ice Cube, Snoop Dogg, Beyonce, and endless other artists-cum-actors. [NYDN]

• Breaking: Pete Doherty is capable of love. [AP]

• Avril Lavigne and Deryck Whibley are racing to the alter like two drunk colleagues on a business trip in Vegas. [Jam!]

• Barbara Streisand needs to book a one-way ticket to Las Vegas, where all other former divas go to. [P6]

• When Pete Doherty paints something with his own blood and it’s called “art.” Yet, when a serial killer does it, it’s called sociopathic insanity. Go figure. [NME]

• Avril Lavigne gets tips from Richard Gere on how to have a long, illustrious barely noticeable acting career. [MTV]

• It seems that 50 Cent is becoming quite the movie star these days. As we always say, better him than Paris Hilton. [Billboard]

• An R.Kelly concert is reviewed by a reporter from Reuters. Awkwardness and hilarity ensues. [AOL]

• Barack Obama and Neil Young are running buddies now. The future of our country just got a little brighter. [AOL]

• Thomas Dolby isn’t impressed with Kevin Federline’s rap, or his illegal sampling of Dolby’s hit She Blinded Me With Science. The song in question, America’s Most Hated has been removed from Federline’s MySpace account, but the battle is far from over. Why didn’t Britney Spears get a prenup? [MTV]

• Avril Lavigne is planning a summer wedding in Beverly Hills, complete with circus performers and “known” rock bands. So we guess that means her husband won’t be performing. [TMZ]

• Former Fugee and ghetto superstar Pras panhandled for a day. He made $8, and then tried to eat at The Standard. Thus proving homeless people are smarter than him. [R&M]

• Indie sweetheart Sufjan Stevens announced that he and girlfriend Rosie Thomas are releasing an album and expecting their first child. The sound of hipster hearts breaking ring down on Orchard Street. [Pitchfork Media]

• Great. Daniel Powter’s Bad Day, the most obvious song in the world, is the number one single. Again. Now can we stop playing it every time anything sad happens on TV or anyone gets voted off of American Idol? [Billboard]

• In case that blurry Page Six photo of Avril Lavigne didn’t convince you she was a real glamour girl, maybe this one will sway your opinion. [Egotastic, Page Six]

• Us Weekly hearts Jessica Simpson more than all the other celebs. Jessica Simpon’s publicist hearts Us Weekly back. [Media Orchard]

• Apparently, if you back over 16 people in your SUV, some of them don’t just forget about it. [Page Six]

• Nick Lachey is dirty-talkin’ cross dresser. Ew, we just found Lloyd Grove’s column kinda’ hot. [Lowdown]

• Hey Courtney Cox, Jennifer Aniston found a new BFF in Gwyneth Paltrow. It’s OK, you’re baby’s still cuter than hers. [Star ]

• Despite rumors and speculation, the Dick Clark who hosted New Year’s Rockin’ Eve was actually him, and not a photoshopped image. [TMZ]

• Now that Scarlett Johanson and Josh Hartnett are living together, their open relationshp, filled with orgys and threesomes, can continue to blossom. [Page Six]

• We don’t which is more ridiculous — Tom Ford’s temper tantrums, or a VF staffer calling Graydon Carter conservative. [Page Six]

• Brad Renfro hasn’t been in a movie in like, 10 years, so his publicist had to think of something to get people talking. [E!]

• Canadians are so multi-talented. Avril Levigne is acting now, and she doesn’t even have a famous sibling. [Egotastic]