America got slaughtered last night by China in the Olympic baseball games, which does exist.
Not "slaughtered" like China kicked the United States' butt (they didn't, America won 9-1….GO U.S.A.!). Slaughtered like "did that batter just get hit by a Chinese pitcher again?" Yes, yes he did, but only because he was involved in taking out the Chinese catcher.
As soon as Michael Phelps wraps up his tour de gold, the entire games turns into one big jock show of seeing who's dick is bigger. Which is funny, because it was Phelps who was wearing the Speedos.
Watch video of the traumas below (which included a batter, Matt LaPorta, given a concussion, for eff's sake):
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IT TOOK FOUR JOURNALISTS TO REPORT THIS STORY Roger Clemens used to throw baseballs. Then he was accused of juicing. And now he's added serial philander to his repertoire. Is there anything this man can't do? [NYDN]
Cranky farty pants and professional background dancer Larry King couldn't keep his emotions in check at his son's Little League game — so he was thrown out. Or maybe he wasn't. Differing accounts of King's behavior during Chance Armstrong King's March baseball game confirm that he was given a "talking to" by the umpire, but whether he erupted after being told to "regroup" and calm down, and was forced off the field and behind the fences after refusing to, isn't clear.
Okay, so baseball, America’s game, might be tainted with performance enhancing drugs. But what about America’s game show, American Gladiators? That reality-based programming is clean. NBC Universal gave all the gladiators steroid tests before the show and the athletes can be tested at any time. Even a subsidy of GE has more respect for purity of its game than Major League Baseball.
• Rudy probably thought he had it bad when he finished in sixth in the Iowa caucuses, but getting called out for a baseball blunder on River Avenue Blues? Mortifying.
• The L Word returns. Countless lesbians pretend the writing is believable, clitoral stimulation is all they need anyway. CONTINUED »
• Vivicia A. Fox has an alleged sex tape she's trying to distance herself from. [NSFW, duh]
• Meanwhile, Amy Fisher has a real sex tape she's trying to promote. CONTINUED »
I respectfully suggest it is very unfair to include Roger’s name in this report. … He is left with no meaningful way to combat what he strongly contends are totally false allegations. He has not been charged with anything, he will not be charged with anything and yet he is being tried in the court of public opinion with no recourse. That is totally wrong.
There has never been one shred of tangible evidence that he ever used these substances and yet he is being slandered today.
-Roger Clemens's lawyer, Rusty Hardin, on claims, made by Roger Clemens's trainer, Brian McNamee, in the steroid report about the player's use of steroids.
• This classic SNL digital short prompted one of our college friends to say "[Natalie Portman] is the only Jewish girl I'd convert for."
• Gary Kasparov blames Vladamir Putin for forcing him out of Russia's presidential election, continues his one-man crusade to get gunned down by members of the KGB.
• Gawker is looking for a reporter with "an ability to write five short items a day." Easiest job ever?
• "I Hucked Up" is officially the second-best Post headline of the day. Although we would have preferred "Huck Accuses Mormons, Romney Of Deal With The Devil."
• GQ tries to cash in on the progressive artistic phenomenon known as "Flashy-Light Vagina."
• Baseball: Not exactly America's pastime anymore.
• That face transplant chick from France is looking hot. Well, compared with having no face.
Who's On First: "Tribune Co., the newspaper owner being taken private by billionaire Sam Zell, plans to sell the Chicago Cubs baseball team and Wrigley Field in the next six months to cut debt."
The sale may fetch more than $1 billion, according to John Puchalla, an analyst at Moody's Investors Service, due to the overwhelming number of rich people who've always dreamed of owning a losing baseball franchise. [NYP]
Although we can’t always shake the nasty habit of writing in the royal we, occasionally one of our editors decides to shake off the cloak of anonymity to write a short, pithy statement long, rambling diatribe about a topic of their choice. Today, Debbie Newman is that editor.
This just in: The Yankees' adulterous third baseman (and this year's league MVP) Alex Rodriguez is arrogant, greedy and not particularly well liked by the New York fans or working media.
Worse still, he recently opted out of his contract with the Yanks AND disingenuously said things like "I love New York" while simultaneously fielding offers from all over the country. Plus, this one time? Prior to joining the Yanks? He said something way harsh about Derek Jeter "never [having] had to lead" before. Which, according to columnist-turned-baseball aficionado Jon Friedman, just may have helped spur on their rivalry.
This morning, despite the fact that our fifth sense (a.k.a. ESPN) told us it was already raining, we decided to check Weather.com for the daily forecast. Instead, we found a somewhat entertaining, embarrassingly outdated and completely non weather-related poll:
So who will win the 2007 World Series?
We're thinking the answer might be (e) The Sox sweep, A-Rod waits until the start of Game 4 to announce he's totally screwing the Yankees and the Rockies lose the entire thing faster than you can say "The National League sucks."
But hey, that's just a guess.
"World Series 2007 Ratings Average Second-Lowest In Televised History!" proclaims TVWeek. Which is to say the number of people across the country tuning in to see the Red Sox overtake the Colorado Rockies was the lowest of any World Series ever, with the exception of last year.
Say, anyone else see that amusing piece in The Onion thanking A-Rod for selflessly waiting until the last game of the World Series to announce that he's opted out of his contract with the Yankees, thereby saving devout baseball fans from the humdrum of another yawn-inducing October?
And here we thought that was supposed to be social satire.
Unless your name is Rudy Giuliani, you'll agree it's been a shitty week for Yankees fans. Last night, you watched (or, more likely, consciously didn't watch) the Red Sox easily overtake the Colorado Rockies in a 4-game World Series sweep. And you also may have heard the news that A-Rod has opted out of his contract with the Yanks, presumably to play for a team where the fans don't hate him despite record-breaking seasons and the newspaper don't chronicle his (allegedly) adulterous behavior. So to help ease the pain, here are pictures of baseball hottie Jacoby Ellsbury.
Sure, he plays for the other team—but there''s no harm in fantasizing about what he looks after that heinous uniform comes off, now is there? Besides, haven't you ever heard the term "sleeping with the enemy?"
Kimberly Bell, Barry Bonds's ex-wife, has a six-page spread in the November issue of Playboy.
Why would Playboy put Bell, who is 36, in the magazine? Well, for one she's hot. But mainly, she spills the beans on Bonds.
Bell, along with basic logic, says Bonds was on steroids, which caused his testicles to shrivel and led to erectile dysfunction.
Even when his recticle was functioning, apparently Bonds wasn't much of a lover. Just like his home run record, his wife's orgasms were fake. As she said,
When you're dealing with somebody who's that selfish, with that kind of ego, you learn to exaggerate your reactions to make him feel better.
And we always thought of Bonds as a performance player.
If you're of the disposition that baseball is confusing and has too many non-white players, does Andy Rooney have an article for you.
In his syndicated column for Tribune Media Services last week, Rooney wrote, "I know all about Babe Ruth and Lou Gehrig, but today's baseball stars are all guys named Rodriguez to me."
Shockingly, a few people were offended. And today Rooney apologized the way only an old person knows how: half-assed.
"Yeah, I probably shouldn’t have said it … It’s a name that seems common in baseball now. I certainly didn’t think of it in any derogatory sense.”
Perhaps saddest of all, Andy Rooney is a successful journalist who is working into his 80s. His is the best fate we can imagine.
Editorial Director
