Even though people who watch cable news seem smart from a distance, cable news is actually quite inane, as Correspondent Wendy proves again. CONTINUED »
Correspondent Wendy said the pickings were slim this week, but we disagree. Marvin Kitman called Bill O'Reily a Thanksgiving float and Anderson Cooper spoke to the harsh reality of the expiration dates of cute polar bears. CONTINUED »
Correspondent Wendy has never been happier. Why? Nancy Grace is back, and just as crazy as ever. CONTINUED »
This week's theme from Correspondent Wendy: Ickiness. Glenn Beck's butt, K-Fed's "magic wand," and Keith Olbermann's code word for intimate moments. It's enough to make one correspondent hurl. CONTINUED »
In this week's Cable Quotables, Kathy Griffin courts Anderson Cooper like a fifth grade fag-hag would. The two were too snarky for correspondent Wendy, who anticipates Nancy Grace's return from maternity leave next week.
We've never even met Correspondent Wendy, but we already have so much in common. For one, figuring out what to write about this week was harder than feigning interest in Anderson Cooper's Sesame Street cameo.
Today, Correspondent Wendy taught us that we have something with Bernie Grimm: an overwhelming sense of our purposeless in life. Hey, the holidays are all about existential crises. CONTINUED »
This week, we learn that talk shows hosts don't know how to Christmas shop, are misguided about Ann Coulter's psyche and think cats need wigs. The holiday's spirit has gotten to everyone's head. CONTINUED »
Look, here are the facts: If you drink the wrong soda, you’ll go to hell. Tucker Carlson is only reporting the news here, folks. Another fact to report: Michael Musto is kind of crazy. CONTINUED »
Sometimes Wendy is feeling whimsical. And when that happens, we generally go with it, lest she become angry about having to watch all those crappy cable shows in the first place! Today, Wendy writes, "I was thinking…what's the best way to save Tucker Carlson's show? Screw the bow ties: bring back Willie Geist!" (No bow ties? Surely Wendy's gone mad! But as it turns out, she has her reasons).
"Although Tucker's "Willie 2.0" replacement and part-time VP Bill Wolff is okay, nothing beats seeing Tucker and Willie riffing off each other. Besides, Willie could totally do it…sleep is highly overrated, anyway." And we totally agree! At least, we think we do. What was that part at the end? We may have inadvertently drifted off for a moment…
Like codebreakers attempting to find logical patterns out of the random jumble of numbers and symbols, Correspondent Wendy struggles to find a common thread in this week's Cable Quotables. Unfortunately, that's sometimes easier said than done. "This is one of those weeks where it's hard to find a 'theme,'" writes Wendy. "Does the fact that they're all nuts count?" For our purposes? Absolutely.
• "He did everybody a solid and he skipped the party, and went off into the woods to unload a few rounds into Blitzen." Christian Finnegan, explaining why Dick Cheney skipped the White House Christmas party, Countdown, December 5
"I didn't need to know that Joe Scarborough causes rashes," writes Correspondent Wendy. "Or that Alan Colmes has some sick Santa fantasy going on and Keith Olbermann's privates should stay that way." Needless to say, today's theme? Too much information. And, as Wendy puts it, "If I don't need a lifetime of therapy after putting this together, it'll be a miracle."
• "I don’t know a damned thing about this, and I’m glad." Joe Scarborough, proving ignorance is bliss (or at least hefty a paycheck!) Morning Joe, November 29
Rough week? Relax, it's Friday! So kick your heels up, take an extended lunch break and allow Correspondent Wendy to momentarily distract you from that black abyss you call a "day job." According to Wendy, the theme of today's Cable Quotables is "What We've learned." Among the revelations? Why Bill Wolff earns the big bucks at MSNBC (web surfing), what Tucker Carlson does in Vegas (re-enacting the 12 Days of Christmas) and what Anderson Cooper dreams of (diving into a mosh pit). Need we say more?
• "Where do you get maids-a-milking? One word: Vegas." Tucker Carlson, the voice of experience, Tucker, November 26
For every question there is an answer, and for every answer another question is born. And, according to Correspondent Wendy, today's column addresses a very important hypothetical question indeed, namely "What would happen if a closeted news anchor and a conservative blowhard from the same network interviewed each other? Since," as Wendy explains, "we couldn't get Shepard Smith and Bill O'Reilly, I give you Anderson Cooper and Glenn Beck." Which leaves us with only one question: Why?
• “I believe I personally negatively impacted the state of Tennessee when I sobered up.” Glenn Beck, shouldering the blame for the recent decline in Jim Beam's stock price, Glenn Beck, November 21
Sometimes, less is more. So when Correspondent Wendy wrote, "These quotes are so goofy, I really couldn't think of anything to add," we thought it over for a few minutes. Then ultimately decided, neither could we.
• "But why shouldn't I be able to say who you sleep with?” Tucker Carlson, awkwardly fantasizing about his guest (Pat Buchanan's) sex life, Tucker, November 15
• "Should we shut down all the gay bars?” Pat Buchanan, preemptively planning to cover his tracks, Tucker, November 15
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