On NBC Sports chief Dick Ebersol's list of musts heading into the 2008 Beijing Olympics: 1) Get China to move its Olympics bid date four weeks up so it wouldn't compete with fall sports, TV premieres, and children having to be in school; 2) Get Michael Phelps and other star athletes on board with competing in primetime; and 3) Get Phelps to shill for NBC's entire Olympics marketing strategy, which he did, supposedly, for $0. Congrats, Ebersol, you went 3-for-3. [NYT]

Hungry? Why wait? Especially since the food being offered at the Olympic venues apparently sucked so bad that Snickers became the number two chocolate bar in China this quarter, either for lack of better options, the fact that Chinese officials kept visitors away from the Olympic Green, or following a deal chocolate maker Mars signed to make the deliciously nutty snack the official chocolate of the Beijing Games.

Snickers, known over there as "Shilijia," has been around in China for the last fifteen years, but it took the giant marketing tie-in of the games for the Chinese to come around on the junk-food. Or rather, it took the build up to the giant marketing tie-in to get the Chinese on the road toward the ambitious goal of obesity.

The game plan for introducing the East to a snack that costs about half of what the average Chinese teen spends a day? Only a little gimmick that definitely wouldn't fly in the U.S.

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America got slaughtered last night by China in the Olympic baseball games, which does exist.

Not "slaughtered" like China kicked the United States' butt (they didn't, America won 9-1….GO U.S.A.!). Slaughtered like "did that batter just get hit by a Chinese pitcher again?" Yes, yes he did, but only because he was involved in taking out the Chinese catcher.

As soon as Michael Phelps wraps up his tour de gold, the entire games turns into one big jock show of seeing who's dick is bigger. Which is funny, because it was Phelps who was wearing the Speedos.

Watch video of the traumas below (which included a batter, Matt LaPorta, given a concussion, for eff's sake):

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Speaking of all those NBC execs who left NYC for Beijing, the network's co-chairman Ben Silverman is over there, and working! But not for NBC.

He's filing reports for Ryan Seacrest's KIIS FM radio show, and breaks news like "The Great Wall is an understatement. It's the 'Awesome Wall!'"; says borderline-offensive things about his Chinese guide like "Her name is Fun Fun, so you can imagine how much fun-fun Fun Fun is"; and, in revealing that been referring to the main Olympic stadium, the Bird's Nest, as the "Bird Cage," has shown he's living up to his likes to party reputation. [B&C]

"If there’s news, we’re going to cover it." That was NBC News president Steve Capus in July, before the 3,600 hours of Olympics coverage began broadcasting, explaining how the network wouldn't pretend all was sunshine and dandelions in China even though Michael Phelps would eventually go on to become Jesus.

He was totally LOLing. Just as we suspected.

With the Olympics moving past the halfway mark, it's clear NBC's definition of covering the news is the not one others might employ. Sure, they mentioned the mini scandals like China having a pretty little girl lip-sync during the opening ceremonies because the original singer was too fugly, and the fact that some were questioning the age of a certain "13-year-old" gymnast who was supposedly 16. But it's basically failed to use its three weeks of Chinese embedding to cover actual news.

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We've been dutifully chronicling all of the Today show gang's embarrassing acts of cultural diversity while broadcasting from the Beijing Olympics, because we want a historical record of what it means to be American in a foreign country.

Already, there was Meredith Vieira trying her hand at gymnastics. The whole bunch — Matt, Meredith, Ann, and Al — trying to sing opera. And the lot of them trying out local cuisine.

Now, a Beijing tipster says there's another embarrassing moment on the horizon: In a pre-taped segment on tomorrow's Today, Roker tries learning Chinese. It did not go well.

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'After losing to Brazil and Belgium, with the latter game including a terrible kick by Tan Wangsong in the crotch of a Belgian player, the national team finished the Games in sorry style. Adjusting the words to the "Beijing Welcomes You" song, a new version goes "Come play with us, our goal posts are wide and always open."' [Variety]

• China is upset with the media complaining about limited freedoms, even though the country promised to lighten up when it bid for the Olympics. Roughing up British journalists and keeping greens free from demonstrators, says China, "does not mean we are not fulfilling our promise." [WSJ]

• The Spanish are upset that everyone is calling them racists, even though their Olympics basketball team was photographed pulling their eyes into slants to imitate the Chinese. It's our fault for "gratuitously" trying to "damage the image not just of the federation but of the country and Spanish sport" in general by assuming they were having a joke at China's expense, and not celebrating athletic brotherhood with them.

Move over, Shun Oguri. Go eff yourself, Li Yuchun! China has a new dreamboat for tiny Asian girls, if only they knew who he was. One of the anonymous guards of the Olympic torch, who was photographed repeatedly defending the flame during the free Tibet demonstrations earlier this year, known only as "Second Brother on the Right," has captured the imagination of the 126,607,344 women in China (give or take a couple).

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Wonder why Olympic-caliber gymnasts weigh 85 pounds, look prepubescent, and lead to accusations of age cheating? Because otherwise, we'd get this:

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When Spain's national basketball team got caught in a photograph pulling its eyes into slants — to mimic Chinese eyes — before the Olympic games, they were immediately lambasted by everyone form the International Olympic Committee to fellow athletes. This is because it's mean to stereotype your fellow brothers in sport and so grossly offend them (despite growing popularity for eyelid surgery). The team tried excusing it, with Jose Manuel Calderon of the Toronto Raptors saying, "We thought it was something appropriate and that it would always be interpreted as somewhat loving. From here I would like to declare that we have a huge respect for the East and their people, some of my best friends in Toronto are from China and one of our Spanish National Team sponsors is the Chinese brand Li Ning. Anyone who would like to interpret this differently is absolutely confused."

Ah yes, the "but I have a Chinese friend" excuse.

No matter. While the Chinese team did lose to Spain on Tuesday, they found that stereotypes work both ways:

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Earlier today, we thought the Today show really embarrassed itself during this food segment about Peking duck. And it's true — they did make asses out of themselves. But there there was their attempt to imitate a Chinese opera singer:

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Using our keen understanding of Olympics sponsorship, it costs a single company about, oh, $33 trillion dollars to attach themselves to the big gaming hullaballo. (Okay, on average it's about $72 million per company, with 63 companies signing on.) This is a lot of money, especially when big chip firms like Cadillac can't even afford to sponsor the Emmys anymore. In return for blowing a wad, official sponsors like Adidas, Coca-Cola, and Samsung get to revel in the good vibes of the Olympics, which they hope consumers will see rubbing off on their logos and encourage them to buy more crap. Except official Olympic sponsors have hit two major hurdles:

1) Unofficial sponsors (like Nike, or Pepsi) can still buy airtime during the games, and use 30-second spots that mimic the Olympic feel without explicitly saying anything about Beijing, the games, or the fact that they didn't pony up tons of cash to write "official Olympic sponsor" next to their logo. The allergy drug Claritin, for instance, signed gymnastics' most-decorated athlete Shannon Miller to shill its pills to NBC viewers, even though it's not an official Olympic sponsor.

2) The Chinese.

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Yesterday, the Today show tried bringing us Chinese fashions. That was … bizarre.

This morning, the show's American cast tried introducing us to the Chinese delicacy of Peking duck. It was, to put it nicely, embarrassing.

With the English-speaking manager from a hotel there that supposedly serves the best duck in the city, Meredith Vieira educates viewers on local cuisine.

"It dates back 600 years, right?" asks Vieira.

"Uh, actually," she's told, "the duck was roasted in China since more than 1,000 years ago. It was first prepared for Chinese emperor."

"Nowadays," continues the manager, "it became the cornerstone … of Chinese cuisine."

"Why is that?" asks Vieira. Uhhhh. "Because it tastes good?"

That's when Matt Lauer gets his turn at asking stupid questions.

Put Bob Costas back on.

The press corps accompanying President Bush to China for the Olympic opening ceremonies had their chartered Northwest Airlines plane delayed by Chinese officials for nearly three hours upon landing. Normally, the press accompanying the president are allowed to deplane and head straight to their hotels while government officials work out immigration issues. Not this time. Journalists were required to go through immigration one-by-one and have their bags screened individually. Officially, the White House blamed "logistical problems" for the incident. Yeah, like having the Olympics in China.