• Kirstie Alley is going to launch her own weight-loss brand. Insert joke about fat women here.
• The new Dancing With The Stars “stars” leave some wattage to be desired.
• The Baltimore Sun will launch a youth aimed tabloid. Because that’s just that city needs: More trash.
• “Who stuffs Armani better?,” a Queerty poll.
• The audacity of hope sneezes: Barack Obama has a cold.
• Martha Stewart takes over Emeril Lagasse. The people in PR will have to figure out how to incorporate “Bam!” with “a good thing” without getting vulgar.
• Joe Simpson takes time off from micromanaging his daughter’s career to micromanage her social life.
• Seeing these college frat guys dressed up as The Golden Girls makes us nostalgic for that episode where Blanche made a sexual innuendo, Dorothy rolled her eyes and Rose said, “What? I don’t get it.” And for those college nights when you’re too inebriated to worry about how those incriminating drunken photos will impede your post-graduation job prospects.
• Recovering alcoholic Lindsay Lohan allegedly knocked back a few drinks this past Thanksgiving. Presumably, the inevitable consequence of spending any extended period of time with her mother/enabler Dina.
• The guy who invented Gatorade died today. In his honor, flags will be flown at half-mast and pitchers of fruit punch will be diluted with water until the resulting mixture tastes like liquid cardboard, and yet somehow contains 300 calories.
• Memo to Obit editors: By now, Steve Fossett (that millionaire adventurer who disappeared in September) has even admitted that he’s dead.
• We don’t even watch Dancing With The Stars, and yet words can’t express how happy we are that the season is (almost!) over.
• Evel Knievel finally forgives Kanye West for that long-forgotten incident involving crappy motorcycle stunts and awkward wordplay.
• Anderson Cooper admits to looking down on beauty queens, invokes his Fifth Amendment right not to divulge his opinion on ordinary queens.
• Milwaukee continues to raise funds for its life size $87,000 Fonzie statue. The city hopes the sculpture will draw hipster tourists interested in an ironic vacation.
On last night’s Dancing With The Stars, the MSNBC talking head joined forces with fellow DWTS castoffs Lisa Rinna, Harry Hamlin and Laila Ali in a video spoof in which Carlson and company “check into ‘dance rehab’ in Malibu because they ‘haven’t been able to let go of being on Dancing With the Stars.’” Reports TVNewser:
“I was brought here against my will,” Carlson tells a ‘rehab counselor’ [in the video]. “I am a dancer, whether (people) believe me or not. I’m the one person in here who doesn’t need therapy,” he continues, “because I’ll never get rid of dance. You could cut me into pieces, and each piece would have dance within it.”
Dancing With The Stars makes us long for simpler times when actors would hold onto their fading celebrity by humiliating themselves on VH1.
But the public being what it is, DWTS is a huge hit. Sigh. Sadly this season, parents of the so-called stars have been dropping like flies. Last month, Jane Seymour lost her mom. Today Marie Osmond’s father passed away.
Oprah was set to host an Osmond family reunion on Friday. We don’t know that much about Mormons, but somehow we think appearing on syndicated talk shows isn’t part of their grieving process.
Dancing With The Stars took Marie Osmond’s breath away! Sadly, however, it failed to have the same effect on us. With the exception of this riveting clip, of course. [Mollygood]
After the death of her mother last week, Jane Seymour will continue competing on Dancing With the Stars.
After all, her mom would have wanted to be grieved by having her daughter hold on to her depreciating fame by appearing on the dancing version of Hollywood Squares.
[TV Guy]
• Donna Martin graduates…to a coveted spot on still-running ABC trainwreck, Dancing With The Stars.
• Even without a hottie ombudsman, ABC news admits it kind of effed up by interviewing Allawi lobbyist, Phillip Zelikow
• Yankees clubhouse accidentally-on-purpose promotes gang violence.
• Rumor (still) has it that Jake Gyllenhaal’s been doing a lot of “rehearsing” for Brokeback Mountain 2. You know, when he’s not going on shirtless bike ride with his totally heterosexual friends.
• Hendrik Hertzberg loses his blogging v-card. As expected, the first time could best be described as “awkward and underwhelming.”
• Crazy old lady celebrates her 100th birthday by lighting up her 170,000th cigarette.
• Network execs opt to show Dancing With The Stars, Deal or No Deal and Two and a Half Men rather than risk alienating advertisers by covering the “deadliest school shooting incident in U.S. history.”
• Wall Street Journal wins two Pulitzer Prizes, giving them a 2-0 edge over Hustler magazine.
• MTV greenlights several more “user-generated” reality shows, adheres to its strategy of not playing any music videos whatsoever.
• That slacker Regis Philbin still isn’t done recovering from his triple heart bypass surgery.
• Does the press pick presidents? “Yes!” hopes journalist/Ross Perot supporter, Jack Shafer.
• Conrad Black is as underwhelmed by the prosecutors on his case as his wife, Lady Black, is by ‘those sluts who call themselves reporters.’
Feeling nostalgic for the days when you plopped down in front of the tube to see Emmitt Smith trounce Jerry Springer in a the Paso Doble?
Well, it’s time to meet the next round of washed-up celebrities-turned-dancers and re-familiarize yourself with the circumstances of their pseudo-fame.
And the new Dancing With The Stars cast-members are…
Laila Ali, Billy Ray Cyrus, Heather Mills, Clyde Drexler, Joey Fatone, Shandi Finnessey, Leeza Gibbons, Paulina Porizkova, Ian Ziering, Vincent Pastore and Apolo Anton Ohno.**
You might recognize Laila Ali as the daughter of boxing great Mohammad, Billy Ray Cyrus as responsible for the most annoying song in creation and Ian Ziering as unattractive hunk “Steve” from Beverly Hills 90210.
But as for Heather Mills—frankly, we’re just not sure whether an 80’s porn career, quickie marriage to Paul McCartney or losing your fucking mind actually qualifies you as a bona fide former celebrity.
**Names in “bold” for comedic effect.
Editorial Director
