Breaking: Michelle Obama was involved in a minor, inconsequential car accident on the exact same day Bobby Brown was admitted to the hospital for a mild heart attack and David Hasselhoff was treated for alcohol poisoning. [Stereohyped]

• Ryan Seacrest will produce Tales From the Hoff, a new E! scripted sitcom featuring David Hasselhoff that we'll all be sure to miss.

• NBC plans to launch a game show called "My Dad is Better Than Your Dad," pitting fathers and children against other families in the spirit of friendly competition. Because there's nothing healthier than telling a small child, "Your dad kinda sucks."

• Three men are charged in connection with the Jan. 9 murder of PC World editor Rex Farrance. Nope, nothing funny about that.

• Apparently we're not the only ones who think MSNBC producer Dan Abrams is too pretty to stay off-camera.

• If you think Bill O'Reilly's comment about the difference between black restaurants and white restaurants was stupid, wait until you hear Sherri Shepherd's reaction.

• Breaking: Reality television inspires romance that doesn't last.

"One-third of men didn't bother to wash after using the bathroom, compared with 12 percent of women, said the researchers who spy on people in public restrooms."

Wait, so you're saying there are scientists out their who make their living spying on people in public restrooms? Gross!

Meanwhile, that whole business about men not washing their hands is really nothing new. [CNN]

• Amy Winehouse was hospitalized due to exhaustion and sleep deprivation? Weird! We always figured that early riser fell asleep just as soon as her head (and 4-feet of hair) hit the pillow.

• SJP launches a new fragrance while simultaneously auditioning for the part of "Sky" in the revival of American Gladiators.

• Director Brett Ratner gets all touchy-feely with The Hoff.

• Katharine McPhee's skirt is blowing out like a candle in the wind.

• Rose McGowan is, like, Knights of the Round Table hot.

"We are Hoff and running!" he joked, before admitting that his recent legal victory was "bittersweet." The court proceedings were certainly tough on his children.

"They love their mom, love their dad and just want to get over it and move on," he told Seacrest. "I've learned a lot from them, because they just say 'Who cares!'"

"Not one person on the street has come up to me and [been surprised]…Amidst all the negative publicity, all the positive publicity [about his role on Talent proves] the fans know the truth!"

–David Hasselhoff, speaks to Ryan Seacrest about being awarded soul custody of his two daughters. [via Us]

• Bono and Nicholas Cage have never looked so…heavenly!

&bul; Ewan McGregor needs lots of jock support.

• Steven Spielberg and Peter Jackson to join forces on overbudgeted Hollywood extravaganza.

• For Vanessa Minnillo, hanging out with boyfriend Nick Lachey is no day at the beach.

• David Hasselhoff is really sorry that he got drunk and lost custody of his daughter devoured a hamburger without pausing to grab utensils.

Less than one week after a shirtless, pizza-eating David Hasselhoff drunkenly slurred his way across the internets, comes news that the Baywatch (and, let's face it, Knight Rider) hunk has temporarily lost visitation rights with his 17 year old daughter.

TMZ has learned that a Los Angeles County Superior Court judge has suspended David Hasselhoff's right to visit his children in the wake of the videotape showing the actor drunk on his living room floor…

On May 21, the judge will hold a hearing on the videotape and how it will affect Hasselhoff's long-term visitation rights

And while some are calling the court's decision rash, others have applauded it as proof that the American legal system actually works.

Still others have remained neutral on the subject, noting that the Hoff had "definitely put on a few" since his days at the beach, and pointing out that, though the temporary suspension of child custody rights was unfortunate for Hasselhoff, the footage of a drunken, lumbering former television star was, nonetheless, "the best news Alec Baldwin's heard all week."

The video you'll be talking about for the next 3.67 days is, undoubtedly, footage of Knight Rider David Hasselhoff intoxicated and eating some sort of drunk food a hamburger while his daughter films it, advising him that he'll lose his The Producers gig if he drinks. It's hysterical, entertaining, or worth the 30 seconds of your life that it takes to consume.

But that's not even where the fun ends. Now the tabloid shows are feuding over the footage. Extra claims it's their exclusive, but will let you see it. Meanwhile, Entertainment Tonight and The Insider claim its theirs, and are being passive-aggressive about letting you watch it.

CONTINUED »

• Celebrities who look like their pets…on the next Montel Williams!

• A no longer "Toxic" Britney Spears pretends to snort cocaine while lip-syncing "I need a hit / baby give me it."

• Paris Hilton may actually be looking at jail-time. Fortunately, she's already dressing the part.

• And rumor has it that clear liquid in Lindsay Lohan's might actually not be water.

• Justin Timberlake wants to give Dolly Parton a run for her money.

• Natasha Henstridge reminds us that cleavage, like fine wine, gets finereven more ginormous with age.

• See "The Hoff" like you've never seen him before…totally drunk! Oh, wait…

• Naomi Campbell attacks her drug counselor, gets arrested. Spokesperson calls it a "misunderstanding." [AP]

• The baby daddy of Madonna's adopted son hopeful David wants the media to back off, fearful she'll dump the boy like her equestrian theme. [BBC]

• David Hasselhoff's divorce battle rages on with with accustations that wifey Pamela Bach was "intoxicated" at their daughters 16th bday party. [TMZ]

• Gwyneth Paltrow calls Brad Pitt's Babel performance the best ever, though our vote goes to his acting during the last of the Jennifer Aniston era. [R&M]

• If given the opportunity, former New Jersey governor Jim McGreevey would so jump at the chance to bed his partner on their wedding night. [Queerty]

• Even if David Hasselhoff's daughter was sent to the hospital with a cat scratch, it's still not funny. [TMZ]

• Here is one thing we can not blame the media for. [OC Register]

• The only thing missing from your bedroom full of Brooks Brothers suits? An Esquire coffee table book. [Ad Age]

• Ryan Adams wrote this song especially for you. Try to keep the chunks down. [Gawker]

• Well, 11 Spring Street is finally off the market. [Curbed]

• Unlike his hot, almost always naked ex-girlfriend, Pete Doherty was charged on seven counts of drug possession. And you bet heroin and crack cocaine were in the mix. [MSNBC]

• Lindsay Lohan is trying to be a good girl now. Well, except for those four or five nights she was out this week, she's hardly partied in front of the paparazzi at all. [Gatecrasher]

• We guess Britney Spears calling her baby "poo-poo" is better than calling him "shithead." [Mollygood]

• Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore are so much more perfect than you. They don't even fight about the fact that she can't have babies. [People]

• David Hasselhoff files for divorce from his wife. What? Everyone else is doing it. [Us]

• Donald Trump's magazine might not be workin' out so well. Though, in light of claims that his good friend Jeffrey Esptein is a pedophile rapist, a little non-mag launch doesn't look so bad. [NYP]

• Nick Denton's employees attempt to show the world they actually are necessary. [Gawker]

• How can you have a fashion story about how cool skulls and bones are without mentioning Jared Paul Stern's clothing line? Well, no matter. JPS doesn't want any more meaningless press from the Times anyways. [ETP]

• In this video of Lindsay Lohan walking around we even get to see her for about three seconds. And that's plenty of time for her to say "fine, thank you." [X17]

• David Hasselhoff was reportedly too drunk to board a flight at London's Heathrow airport. His publicist claims that he was just sick from taking too many pills. We're sure he was probably"exhausted" as well. [TMZ, AP]

First Yanni, now David Hasselhoff? What else can we expect once-popular stars from the 1990s to do? Vanilla Ice will be brought up on charges for smacking his bitch up?

Hasselhoff Slapped With Domestic Violence Allegation [TMZ]
Earlier: Come see the harder side of Yanni

• We don't know if this is a "I got punched in the face by Lindsay Lohan," black eye, or a "my teeny tiny nose job gave me this bruise" black eye, or not a black eye at all. Weak. [TMZ]

• Should we just leave the entire Daily News gossip to Wonkette and Huffington Post today? C'mon, it's Friday! We want strippers and sex tapes, damn it. [NYDN]

• Did Brad Pitt tell Jennifer Aniston about the baby? Did she cry and pull out her hair and pull bongs with her new boyfriend? There's just so much to consider in times like these. [People]

• Alls he has to do is slap an author's note on that fake story, and James Frey's sales, readers … hopefully everything, will remain high. [MSNBC]

• Will a divorce put David Hasselhoff back in the news? Worked for Nick Lachey. [MSNBC]