Charlie Sheen has apologized to “all [he] obviously offended” by calling his ex-wife, Denise Richards, a “fucking nigger” in a swear-heavy rant he left on her voicemail three years ago. Despite its age, Richards released the recording, in which Sheen also labels her a “fucking cunt,” presumably because she is a spiteful, spiteful person.

Sheen sent out a special acknowledgment to Tony Todd, his black friend, best man for two weddings and THE Candyman. The Two and a Half Men star offered no message of peace to cunts.

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Though we only trust Nielsen’s ratings numbers about as much as Lindsay Lohan’s denials about enjoying a smooch with Samantha Ronson now and then, the ratings company is the bearer of bad news for the starlet and her fam.

Lohan’s guest appearance on Ugly Betty’s season finale only bumped audience numbers up by 300k from the previous week’s episode; and that number was down 16.2 percent from last season’s finale. [E!]

Not only that, but Lohan fatigue is on its way to officially becoming a trend: E!’s Living Lohan, which only mama Dina, sister Ali, and that little boy appear in, couldn’t even beat Denise Richards’ own reality show It’s Complicated, which premiered back-to-back. Living nabbed 1.45m viewers to Richards‘ 1.5m. [Us]

At least there’s a break between now and Lindsay’s Carlos Gardel biopic Dare to Love Me, which might mean box office receipts will be down a mere 85 percent from I Know Who Killed Me.

Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards were, for four years, married, beginning in 2002 and ending in 2006. The divorce was not pretty. Richards accused Sheen of continued drug and gambling addictions, trolling underage porn sites, and said his crazy beliefs about 9/11 (that the Bush administration could have been involved) were ample reason to give her full custody of their children. Sheen, predictably, fired back, saying Richard’s allegations “clearly illustrates the type of harassment, the type of psychological terrorism, the type of mind control I’ve been subjected to and to have willfully chosen to keep private because that was the deal.” And also, that she was making it all up to sabotage his launch of clothing line Sheen Kidz.

Then came the Sheen’s accusations that Richards demanded his sperm, and asked his fiance Brooke Mueller to get it for her, to add to their current offspring count of two.

Richards says it’s ludicrous, and that the emails Sheen has to back up his story are fakes.

OMG SHUT UP ALREADY, right? Ugh, but also:

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Hugh Hefner generously announced today that naked Miley Cyrus would be nakedly “welcomed in [his] magazine” full of naked ladies—when she’s of age, of course. [Us] This isn’t the first time that the doddering coot, or his kin, pulled such a stunt, knowing full well the offer would get a write up in the gossip columns, but that the starlets would never agree. Below, a look back at some of the million dollar deals, made by creepy old men, and Joe Francis, that never were.

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For what it’s worth, Charlie Sheen’s web moniker “mrjonze55″ – which Denise Richards alleged he used to troll porn sites – has a 100% feedback rating on eBay.

C’mon, the guy can’t be that bad.

It looks like he’s into selling lady’s watches and small leather goods. Just like the guy down on Canal. Come to think of it, that guy ain’t so bad, either.

Meanwhile, here’s some pretty definitive evidence that it is indeed Sheen behind mrjonze55@aol.com: He sends hate mail to people other than his wife.

And lastly, because you’ve been waiting for it: Charlie’s email address pops up on an adult password listing site (probably NSFW) that puts him as a member of Karup’s Private Collection (definitely NSFW), a pretty well maintained porn site featuring a variety of girl-on-girl and girl-on-guy spreads.

Say what you will, be that Sheen is a discerning web shopper.

Take away the money, the beauty and the fame, and stars are just as miserable as the rest of us.

The Denise Richards and Charlie Sheen divorce is offering scheudenfreude for anyone who has ever been jealous of her body or his way with prostitutes.

In an email to Richards, Sheen wrote,

You are a pig. A sad, jobless pig who is sad and talentless and sad and jobless and evil and a bad mom, so go [bleep] yourself sad jobless pig.

Talentless? Did Sheen miss the threesome scene in Wild Things? But to be fair, her nose job did turn out a bit piggish.

But Sheen did kindly suggest that Richards seek counsel in her mom and wrote, “cry to your bald mom, you [bleeping] loser.” BTdub, Richard’s mom had cancer at the time.

Things might be awkward between Grammy and dad at the next birthday party for the girls.

• Nicole Richie says she doesn’t care if gains 40 or even 50 pounds during pregnancy, so long as she can go back to throwing up after every meal as soon as it’s all over.

• “Just where does one acquire a stunning transparent sumo-inspired kimono like the one seen here on Britney Spears?” wonder our friends over at Yeeeah. “I’m guessing some place super-classy, like ‘Great Big Geishas’ or ‘Fook Mi’s Big Happy Smile Poonanny Palor.’ Um, we’re guessing you’re right.

• Lindsay Lohan’s B-cups runneth over.

• Denise Richards wants Charlie Sheen to be the father sperm donor of their children.

• Naomi Campbell drops her cell phone underneath her chaise lounge, then makes her assistant pick it up for her, so she can throw it at him.

• Pamela Anderson is dating a nerdy magician version of herself.

• Actress/mascara model Penelope Cruz is nothing but a thin-lashed fraud. And that’s not the only thing fake about her. (Um, yeah, like that phony accent is real!)

• Buy your celebrity bobblehead today! Or just stare at pictures of Nicole Richie and Rachel Zoe instead.

• Dakota Fanning is growing up before our very eyes! First come the skinny jeans, then before you know it, the coke-fueled driving under the influence (and with a suspended license) charges.

• Ali Lohan comes to big sister Lindsay’s defense, characterizes Michael Lohan as a deadbeat dad (well, obvs) and defends Dina Lohan’s parenting style as “more than adequite.”

• Check it out! It’s Denise Richards in a bikini without “that greasy douche from Bon Jovi.”

• Lindsay Lohan is all up in Samantha Ronson’s MySpace. The maybe-lezzie tells Ronson, “Babe, if I don’t have you in my life then I should just go die. … I want to marry you and have children with you.” Congratulations, girls! We hear the newly ordained Tori Spelling is available to oversee the nuptials.

• Diddy leaves a $500 tip on a bottle of vodka. Not because he was objectifying the cocktail waitress so much as because he thought she was “really, really hot.”

• Rumor has it Boomer Esiason will be inheriting Don Imus’ early-morning radio slot. Insiders say he’s definitely got the broadcasting chops, but they’re just “not sure he has the jowls.”

• Jenna Jameson gives one lucky little girl the opportunity to find happiness and a successful porn career by going under the knife and re-emerging with giant, fake boobies.

• Charlie Sheen is engaged! Bitter ex-wife Denise Richards does her best impression of someone who’s “genuinely happy for the two of them.”

• Ivanka Trump is reportedly competing with Gale King, Whoopi Goldberg, Kathy Griffin and Mario “So Gay He’s One Of The Girls” Cantone for Rosie’s spot on The View.

• More rumors that celebrity chef Rachael Ray and her hubby of two years might be “slightly overdone.”

• Can you imagine going on vacation with Denise Richards, bringing her to a romantic, secluded beach and then dumping her? Richie Sambora can!

• Meet Lance Bass’ new main squeeze, Pedro Andrade. He’s a good boy, crazy ’bout Elvis, loves horses. And his boyfriend, too.

• Live Earth is a global concert geared towards raising awareness and money in an effort to combat global warming. It’s also an excuse for a bunch of prissy Brits to start bitching about Phil Collins.

• Some trashy Italian bird cops to sleeping with Pete Doherty. On purpose.

• Nerdy spelling bee contestant inadvertently sums up the state of our country.

• Richie Sambora checks into rehab to cope with his I-used-to-bang-Denise-Richards withdrawal symptoms.

• Anne Heche hits the 35th annual AFI Life Awards while that-guy-she-left-her-husband-for stays at home.

• Mila Kunis reminds us of the real reason anyone watched That 70’s Show.

• Sienna Miller is so upset about being branded a slut that she didn’t even answer her phone when Diddy booty-called her last night.

While yesterday’s instance of People.com crediting In Touch for breaking the “Denise Richards and Richie Sambora break up” story may have been one for the history textbooks, it was also an instance of life repeating itself in the tabloid world: In Touch already broke that story — a year ago, in the May 22, 2006 issue.

Meanwhile, it’s worth taking a peek at the bottom of the cover: “Britney Reveals: It’s a girl!” We all know how well that turned out.

We’re witnessing history here, folks. Something that perhaps you’ve never witnessed before is taking place: People.com is crediting another source for a breaking story.

And not just any source, but the direct competition. In Touch, to be precise. Why so groundbreaking? Because People.com is known throughout the industry as one to never give credit for where a story breaks; they simply phone up a star’s rep or find a “friend” to confirm a story. (To be fair, People.com isn’t alone in the practice.)

But today’s instance – with the story about Denise Richards and Richie Sambora breaking up – is “no accident.” A well-placed tattler reports People.com is “joining hands” with In Touch, intentionally playing nice with the Bauer tab, all as a maneuver to … wait for it, wait for it … go on the Us Weekly assault. Both In Touch and People “hate them.”

And no wonder: For two weeks straight (will tomorrow’s issue make three?), Us has dedicated double pages to calling out the mistakes of others while keeping mum on its own. What’s next, a Star-OK! tryst?

When news broke last week that paprazzo Scott Cosman was suing Pamela Anderson and Denise Richards (remember that laptop gently tossed over the balcony?), the photog industry was abuzz with a not-so-well-kept unreported secret: Cosman is one of the owners of Flynet, the agency you’ll remember for working with Us Weekly’s Ken Baker to set up a smoochfest between Teri Hatcher and Ryan Seacrest (a Baker pal) in that makeout session.

Cosman and Rik Fedyck are taking on Richards with a lawsuit charging she went on a rampage after spotting the twosome snapping pics of Anderson on the set of Blonde and Blonder in November ‘06. The part where Denise called him a “fuckkng cockksucker at least 12-15 times as well as scumbags, douche bags and paparazzi scum” allegedly ended with Richards throwing their laptop over the balcony where it landed on an elderly lady.

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• Isaac Cohen proves what a sensitive, devoted boyfriend he was to Britney Spears by selling details of their sex-life to the sleaziest UK bidder.

• Meanwhile, K-Fed and Justin Timberlake hint at the beginnings of a beautiful new friendship by awkwardly hugging it out Ari Gold-style.

• Will Smith used to have a thing for Beyonce, but now he only has eyes for Jada Scientology.

• Tara Reid is okay with being called slutty, pissed at being called “horrible in the sack.”

•Diddy conveniantly forgets throwing down with T.R. Knight, but GLAAD will always remember.

• According to Jon Bon Jovi, Denise Richards is a modern-day Yoko Ono, except without the annoying sunglasses.

• Let’s take a look inside Anna Nicole Smith’s fridge and see if that helps us piece together her final hours of pain and suffering.

• Ryan Reynolds dumps fiance Alanis Morissette for refusing to go down on him in a theater.

• Vanessa Minnillo drops the F bomb again after Nick Lachey is approached by a J. Simp lookalike.

• And here’s what it feels like to accidentally ogle Denise Richards’ vagina.

• Gabrielle Union wants the world to know she and Derek Jeter aren’t dating; they’re just fuckbuddies, like Diddy and Sienna Miller.

• Bill Gates denies that all PC users are “dullards.” Then a third grade bully screams, ‘Only nerds use words like “dullards,” GEEK!’

• Sienna Miller shoves a photog for catching her with her pants on.

• Rachel Weiss finally popped that baby out. It feels like just last month she was 10 months pregs. [Us Weekly]

• People have finally given up trying to Google that Britney Spears sex tape. Or maybe they just want to see it less and less as the months go by. [Scoop]

• Since being an artist requires talent, and being a prostitute requires working, we would say that Paris Hilton actually falls into neither category. Then again, that tape was kind of an icon of pop culture … ok fine. We pick prostitute. [FBNY]

• Has anybody noticed that Denise Richards doesn’t actually do anything except sue her husband and get hot really fast after having babies? Who cares if she’s marrying someone? Why is this woman even a celebrity? [Pop Bytes]

• Valerie Plame Wilson whatever her name is lost her book deal. Well, that’s what happens when you refuse to go in public to promote the shit. [NYT]

Maybe we’re just still hung over from downing all those Tanq and Tonics last night (watching Dita Von Teese shake her pasties is not for the sober) but, uh, we’re just a bit confused on why exactly this Us Weekly cover is an exclusive.

Mostly because we sort of feel like Denise Richard’s “side of the story” is the only story that’s out there. Yeah, yeah, we know Charlie Sheen released a statement defending himself against abuse charges … but it’s almost too late. We’ve heard Denise’s side, and unless Us can beat the “pregnant cunt” remark we’re just not falling for this exclusive BS.

Us Exclusive: Denise Speaks [Us Weekly]

From PRNewswire’s ProfNet, appearing today:

**2. TODAY/RETAIL : Children’s Clothing Retail - Star Magazine (US)
I am looking for a retail analyst who follows children’s clothing. I want to know if a newly formed company is getting ready to launch a new line of outfits for kids, and whether bad PR surrounding its creator will affect its success.

We’re not retail analysts or anything, but let’s just say that when your soon-to-be ex-wife Denise Richards accuses you of looking at pre-teen and gay porn websites while your name is attached to a line of children’s clothing, yeah, the bad PR is going to play a role.

Earlier: Charlie Sheen & Denise Richards’ Underage (and Gay) Divorce Proceedings
Related: All Charlie Sheen coverage

We know about the kiddie and gay porn on Charlie Sheen’s computer. We know he messed around with a prostitute.

But, in what feels like a Bret Easton Ellis novel for Beverly Hills, Sheen’s ex-wife Denise Richards suspects that he had a hand in the murder of his pay for play mistress, Chloe Jones.

Besides being linked to the murder of a hooker, Richards accuses Sheen of threatening her with photos of Nicole Brown Simpson, calling her a “pregnant cunt,” and dropping f-bombs all over her message machine.

In a bombshell sworn declaration, ex-Bond Girl Richards says she flat-out asked Sheen, 40, if he had anything to do with sex star Chloe Jones’ death — and he didn’t deny it.

“He said that he had ‘no comment,’” Richards states in her papers. “This scared me. [Sheen] threatened me again ‘that if I do not agree with his request for joint custody, that I would never make it to court.’”

Is it possible that Richards is making this all up to start a major smear campaign? Sure. But just in case, maybe Richie Sambora wants to lay low for a few days?

A role for Charlie in XXX star’s death? [Rush & Molloy, Daily News]