"WHICH talk-show host has a flatulence problem so bad, he's said to have an assistant follow him around with an odor-vaporizing spray can?"
-Page Six

Dr. Phil! I bet it's Dr. Phil!!!

Oprah protege and always-wearing-scrubs medical professional Dr. Oz has always been well, everywhere. Mehmet Oz is a regular on the morning shows, Esquire, the Discovery Channel, and even popping up on The Colbert Report. And then, of course, there is Oprah. Now, thanks to the giftbag hoarding TV queen's Harpo Productions, Dr. Oz will be a daytime staple: Sony has sold the show Dr. Oz in 14 markets, or 40 percent of the country, with more on the way, for next fall's debut.

In fact, this is Oprah's second foray into medical TV; she's also spun off The Doctors from Dr. Phil, where Dr. Phil's son Jay — a regular Dr. Phil guest — will exec producer the daytime medical talker, with real operations performed on set! In between coffee chats!

Surely this must be a sign of … something?

CONTINUED »

No matter how bad the job hunt is going, do not, repeat, do not take a job as a staffer for Dr. Phil's show. There has been a string of bad luck on set, including an unfortunate intern death from strep throat and a broken arm for a producer. Which just goes to show you that the lowest paying jobs are still the ones most likely to succumb to an ancient mummy curse. Where is Oprah to perform a feel-good exorcism when you need her?

Dear Ashely,

First off, you look fantastic. The abs. The "V" torso. The cleavage. The uncaring glare on your face. You're a hottie, Dupre, and it's no wonder Eliot Spitzer might've dedicated taxpayer dollars toward your cause.

Second, good for you! We heard about that $2 million deal from reality-show producer David Krieff, who brought America such Emmy-worth programming as the TV special featuring Nancy Kerrigan and Tonya Harding. Supposedly you're being offered the sum in exchange for exclusive rights to your life story? And that it's a way to profit from your headline-making career in a non-trashy way, like that Tila Tequila reality show offer would have?

And third, you want to be like the most obnoxious Ph.D. on television!

CONTINUED »

Because the Rev. Jeremiah Wright should not be the only impression of pastors this country gets pounded with on a daily basis, Dr. Phil McGraw and son Jay, through their Stage 29 Productions, is building a talk show around pastor T.D. Jakes, who, like Dr. Phil did with Oprah, already appears on his show regularly. [B&C] Slated for a fall 2009 launch, The Potter's House megachurch leader will probably end up giving the same advice Dr. Phil dishes out, but with God, not psychiatry, on his side.

The rumors that Dr. Phil could lose his show over his latest stunt – where one of his producers paid $30,000 to bail out a teenager arrested for beating another teen – are getting the "shot down" treatment today. After MSNBC's The Scoop circulated the possibility that Oprah's Harpo Productions has been looking, for months, to ax their deal with the show, Fox 411's Roger Friedman says that ratings are just too strong to see the show get killed. But Dr. Phil's shoveling $2.4 million in tax free cash into his charitable foundation in 2006, and then distributing just $450,000 of it? That will nicely spark a new daytime controversy.

A spokeswoman for the Spears family went on the Today Show to go after Dr. Phil for "violating a family trust" by making a statement on Britney Spears.

We get that Dr. Phil has a lecherous avuncular thing going on, but still, how much trust could there be in a family that sells the story of a teen pregnancy to a second-tier tabloid? We're going with exactly zero.

PHIL-A-BUSTED "Because the Spears situation is too intense at this time, and out of consideration to the family, I have made the decision not to move forward with the taping at this particular time." That's Dr. Phil's official statement on why he canceled today's taping of his Britney Spears episode. Not mentioned in the statement: That Britney and her parents refused to cooperate in any manner; that he exaggerated most of the details about his meeting with her at Cedars-Sinai; and that the psychological community has, to the degree that they care at all, lambasted Dr. Phil's unsolicited visit to her in the first place.

• Paris Hilton claims she's getting a restraining order against Shanna Moakler. The entire world curses the fact that Moakler won't be able to kick her ass again. [Star]

• People who never knew John Lennon, who weren't alive when he died, and who don't even know the difference between him and Ringo celebrated his birthday today. We're sure he wouldn't have found anything superficial or cliche about it. [AP]

• So, the neighbors surrounding the Dr. Phil House full of crack addicts and crazies aren't pleased? Not even Dr. Phil himself would be able to explain that one. [TMZ]

• Despite everyone under the sun screaming about dropping ad sales all year, it turns out magazines actually sold some advertisements. Not too sure about copies, but, they sold ads. [Craine's]

• "Diane Sawyer" and "fucking harder than anyone" gets strung into one congruent sentence. And Brian Stetler blows his load. [FBNY]

Dr. Phil, it turns out, has no business selling diet aids. What's more? He knows it.

His emails to the marketers behind Shape Up! nutrition supplements that carry his name demanded labels and advertisements include specific disclaimers about product claims. That is, swallowing a glorified multivitamin will not, actually, drop inches from your waist and keep your thighs from touching.

The talk show shrink's doubts in the merchandise are leaking from a class action suit filed against him and Shape Up!'s creators. Consumers are angry that popping 22 pills a day didn't amount to changing "your behavior to take control of your weight."

Oprah's protege's revenue stream, however, isn't about to dry up anytime soon. Even after all this mess, he's still pushing his diet book, The Ultimate Weight Solution: The 7 Keys to Weight Loss Freedom. If you bought the book, followed Dr. Phil's instructions and still look like your retaining as much water as he is, we encourage you to speak to an attorney.

Diet pickle for Dr. Phil [NYDN]

• Conde Nast is reorganizing itself at 4 Times Square, shuffling around all its publication divisions to fall under just one umbrella: the aptly titled Conde Nast Publications. And that big bubble will have, uh, seven smaller bubbles.

• D'Angelo – who's kinda not famous anymore and wouldn't even be on our radar if it weren't for his abs (which, uh, he let go) – is in a Virginia hospital with serious injuries after he crashed his SUV through a fence and was ejected from the car. No, he wasn't wearing a seat belt, and yes, he's been arrested for coke. Wait, that's not related? UPDATE: Says his rep: "D'Angelo is home and doing well. He is anxious to finish the recording of his soul masterpiece that the world has patiently awaited. His spirit is very positive and he is blessed that the accident was not fatal."

• While Fernando Ferrer visits church after church, Mayor Bloomberg is hitting up Jewapalooza and handing the Dalai Lama a key to the city.

• FishBowlNY sent some snappers to document The Devil Wears Prada's shoot, where Luigi Tadini can almost be seen in Adrian Grenier's shots.

• John "Junior" Gotti is out on $7 million bail, thanks to a bond deal partially secured by sister Victoria's reality TV-famous Long Island manse.

• After Page Six spread word that Dr. Phil (who earns at least $15 million per year) was paying his transcibers just $7 an hour, he bumped it up a whole buck to $8!

• Big Pussy pleads guilty! Actor Vincent Pastore decided to take a deal when it came to charges he assaulted a former girlfriend. The actor has a bigger concern, anyway: He can no longer due nude scenes thanks to emergency triple bypass surgery.

• Steven Spielberg is done making movies with Tom Cruise, according to word spreading from his camp. Which might be fine for Tommy Boy, since he'll be busy trying to convert Oprah to Scientology.

• For those of you going through catfight withdrawal since Fashion Week ended, don't fret: Tyra "Real Boobs" Banks and Karrine Steffans are filling the void. Steffans fired the first shot with claims of their binding trait: bedding Hollywood's hottest men. But what's different about the duo? TyTy has two shows, Karrine has, uh, none.

• Brad Pitt doesn't appreciate his staffers running their mouths to magazines, which explains his firing of Kristin Hahn, an exec at his production company (with ex Jennifer Aniston) for talking to Vanity Fair about their relationship.

• Perhaps Brooke Shields and Britney Spears should have a chat. The poptart is said to be suffering through postpartum depression, which is the medical term for "we're making this up to get linkage." Either way, we're sure Tom Cruise already has some vitamin supplements on the way.

• Despite his $15 million annual salary, Dr. Phil is offering just $7 an hour (and no benefits) to transcribers for his talk show. Well, at least he's not calling the gig an "internship" and offering exactly zero dollars.

• Justin Timberlake sucks at acting? That's the word coming out of his new flic Edison, which screened in Toronto recently and didn't exactly wow the audience.

• After splitting with John Stamos just 17 months ago, Rebecca Romijn is ready for another trip down the aisle, this time with Jerry O'Connell.

• First she cuts her blonde hair shorter, now Lindsay Lohan is back to red and facing her freckles once again? What's next, she's gaining weight?

• Apple Martin: Gangsta rap fan? According to mommy Gwyneth Paltrow, the tot is a huge Jay-Z fan, which will at least spare her from listening to any Barney rhyme songs.

• Dr. Phil blew up backstage at David Letterman when producers informed him he'd play second fiddle to U.S. Open champ Roger Federer. He obviously didn't have one of his self-help books on hand.

• When he's not running around with Queer Eye Jai Rodriguez, Rocco DiSpirito is playing grab ass with party hostesses.

• The MTA OK'd the Bruce Ratner's $100 million plan for a new 8.3 acre Brooklyn home for his New Jersey Nets, offering more evidence that New York is foolishly becoming more tolerant to B&Ts.