Yesterday we mentioned in passing that Paris Hilton was hooking up with Benji Madden. And this was only news because Benji is Joel Madden's twin, and Joel Madden impregnated Nicole Richie, and Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton are ex-bffs.

But allegedly, they're totally for reals and Benji called her "the one."

Since 2008, Paris has been the one, or the one night for, Jared Leto, Simon Rex and Elisha Cuthbert.

Plus, she's been engaged to more people than we have fingers. We're just saying, Paris Hilton cries relationship a lot. We're not going buy her story anymore.

• Kirstie Alley is “stepping down” as the spokesperson for Jenny Craig. Fatties are so self-hating.

• Based on her topless photo spread, rumors that Lindsay Lohan had breast implants were false.

• Okay, Elisha Cuthbert, this is the last time we're writing about you until you make out with another chick. Going to first base with Paris Hilton only takes you so far.

• That's cute: Spencer Pratt thinks he important enough to have a feud with Madonna.

• Ah! Our boss man is coming back from Amsterdam.

• Girl kisses, the Natalie Portman and Scarlett Johansson edition.

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• Reese Witherspoon hates vakay'ing on the beach because she doesn't want the paparazzi to take bikini shots of her. Look, if she didn't want the minutia of her life dissected by strangers, she should have found a different passion to pursue.

• Hooking up with Paris Hilton really worked for Elisha Cuthbert. Look, we're writing about her right now.

• Oh, a cute little beagle won Westminster.

• Breaking Britney news: She makes bad decisions with men, and she's may be back with Adnan Ghalib.

• Also ironically breaking: More rumors of a Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie marriage.

• For Jimmy Kimmel's fifth anniversary, GF Sarah Silverman makes a viral video with Matt Damon. Oh, cross-promotional love. (First twenty seconds are all that's worth watching.)

• Paris Hilton and Elisha Cuthbert's make-out worked: we're writing about them right now!

CONTINUED »

Our daily attempt to help you seem smart, even if you’re not.

jehu \JEE-hyoo\ noun : a driver of a coach or cab

House of Wax costars Paris Hilton and Elisha Cuthbert were seen making out at a New York club on Tuesday night. We wonder if they continued the performance in front of their jehu on the way to a Hilton hotel.

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• Lifelong bachelor George Clooney neatly curtails rumors that he's a closeted homosexual by getting into a bitchy catfight with Fabio.

• There's no afternoon pick-me-up quite like a NSFW gallery of the best celebrity wardrobe malfunctions.

• Katie Holmes wardrobe choices continue to shock and amaze. (Marathon? No bra necessary. Clingy velvety get-up? Mandatory.)

• Note to Elisha Cuthbert: You're going to need to invest in a slutty new wardrobe if you want to keep hanging with Paris.

• Michael Jackson's precious Neverland ranch is in foreclosure! Buyers beware, however: The place still has the unmistakable stench of zoo animals and pedophilia.

• Madonna and Cher share Pride in an transparent effort to cater to their primarily gay fanbase (including Madge's baby daddy!) Related: Experts attribute Cher's difficulty in smiling due to a countless number of Botox procedures and a puzzling inability to accept her daughter's lesbianism.

• No matter how many slutty off-the-shoulder tops she wears, Britney Spears can't seem to keep her nipples away from the paparazzi.

• First, Michael Moore gets booted from Larry King Live in favor of Paris. Now, he's getting slammed by PETA. Hehe. Fatty.

• Interview? What interview? Paris will receive $1 million to teach a 1-hour class at the Learning Annex entitled "I Can't Believe I Slept With Jack Osbourne."

• Elisha Cuthbert gets confused, forgets to remove her giant orange arm-floaties after exiting the pool.

• Eddie Murphy is officially a deadbeat dad, and an ass. Except we already knew that.

• Isaiah Washington claims "they fired the wrong guy," prompting ABC executives to say, "Oh my God, he's right. We never realized until he just said that! (Pause.) We're kidding, of course."

• Are we the only ones who think Pamela Anderson's way too old to be parading around in a skintight silver bathing suit? We'll take that deafening silence as a "yes."

• Elisha Cuthbert continues to be inconsistently sexy.

• British people are pissed to discover that Bridget Jones is actually an emaciated Hollywood actress.

• Lindsay Lohan's former bodyguard threatens to expose his former boss as a knife-wielding cokehead who sometimes gets frisky with the ladies. Quick, someone, get this man a book advance!

• Ever wondered what otherwise attractive celebrities would look like if they covered every square-inch of epidermis with body-mutilating tattoos? Now, you don't have to!

• Elisha Cuthbert travels back to the 1960's to get an awkward, Brady Bunch inspired 'do.

• Ricky Martin is crowned king of the Puerto Rican day parade. When reached for comment, a bitchy gay responded, "Um, he-llo, more like the queen!"

• Serena Williams to Kim Kardashian: Kiss my big, black ass.