• You know what's even worse than doing time in L.A. County prison? Having everyone in the world find out that you used to bang Jack Osbourne. While sober. Before he got thin.

• The sands of time have not been kind to Steven Tyler. Or his man-boobs.

• Kristin Cavallari shows up to the Yellow premiere wearing a dress made of holiday wrapping paper. Don't laugh, it's totally happened to you.

• Fergie scandalously flashes her clothed ass at the MuchMusic awards. Remind us exactly what Josh Duhamel sees in this woman?

• Hayden Panettierre pulls a Greg Brady, gets frisky with her television parental unit.

We love a ridiculous celeb scandal as much as the next guy. Oh, who are we kidding, we love them a lot more. But the latest rumor to fly over the radar, that Kate Moss is pregnant, almost caused us to call a publicist.

It's funny, because nobody seems to be worried about her fake baby's health. Or her fake baby having an anorexic freak who loves jumping around topless for a mother. Nope. All anybody cares about (and by anybody we mean The Bosh) is who the fake baby daddy is.

Pete is only one of several candidates who may actually be the father of Kate’s child. Her recent hook-ups include model Jamie Burke, Jack Osbourne, French playboy Jean-Yves Le Fur and Colin Farrell. This sounds like a case for Jerry Springer’s paternity test.

Jack Osbourne? Jack Osbourne? Have Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton really ruined every other possibility?

If Kate's pregnant, who's the father? [The Bosh]

• Howard Stern's face is still one only a radio fan could love. [NYDN]

• See, Madonna is so skinny because (unlike us) when she falls off the treadmill she gets right back on. Even if it kills her. [Rush & Molloy]

• Dina Lohan's parenting advice: keep your kids away from smoking, and pets. Alcohol, drugs, and bulimia? No biggie. [The Scoop]

• The most thankless job in Hollywood used to go to the girl who had to order all the Evian for Demi Moore's hair. Now, it goes to Barbra Streisand's website ghostwriter. [Cindy Adams]

• Kate Moss hearts Jamie Burke. Jamie Burke hearts his live-in girlfriend. [Page Six]

• Kate Moss hearts Jack Osbourne? Barf. [Lowdown]

It seems that Jack Osbourne isn't the only underage guy in the music scene allegedly causing havoc in NYC. In a follow-up to Page Six's report on Wednesday that downtown DJs The MisShapes were "out of control" and "spilling drinks all over the equipment," we hear that the drama did not end there.

The DJs/band/party goers (no one seems to know what they really do except break shit) have been permanently booted from Happy Valley. But they might be able to sneak back in somehow, since finding a photograph of these people (how many of them are even out there?) was close to impossible. (This photo, we're pretty sure, actually is them.)

We think it's actually highly unlikely that anyone under 21 has even heard of Happy Valley, let alone would able to get in, but these f'ups tried to rat out the bar they just finished playing at!

Seriously, celebs, you have to cut this shit out. It's so not New York.

The full-ish un-fact-checked e-mail, after the jump.

CONTINUED »

Ok, so since there is absolutely no gossip going around, we need to add one of our own celebits, which we picked up last night, while stumbling into our favorite East Village literati hang-out. Upon entering, we were greeting with a strange request. Instead of the usual, "know where I can get some weed?" we got: "IDs please."

WTF is this? we wondered. Of course we have ID, but its not like anyone in the East Village has asked for it since we were like 19.

"Jack and Kelly Osbourne were in here last night," the bartender offered up. "So the cops have been in here, checking us out." (We realize that Kelly is 21, but Jack is still 20 until next November, so we guess that's what our wasted bartender meant.) What really got us pissy though, was the principle. Since when does the NYPD care about underage drinkng? Especially east of Fourth Avenue?

Oh, yeah. Since NYU underclassman and underage celebs officially ruined everything between 14th St. and Houston.