• Joke's over. South Carolinian democrats stubbornly refuse to allow a comedian to run for the leader of the free world as a publicity stunt.

• Tennis truly is nothing like Hollywood. Example: Martina Hingis tests positive for cocaine; she retires in disgrace. Lindsay Lohan goes to rehab for cocaine use; she comes back with a ProActiv sponsorship and a shiny new movie deal.

• 60 Minutes proves way more effective at apprehending criminals than To Catch A Predator.

• Jacob the Jeweler is sent to prison, thereby depriving hardworking celebrities of their much-needed bling. Meanwhile, being incarcerated hasn't stopped Jacob from launching his own $80 vodka, called "Bocaj" (his name spelled backwards). Which we think it truly "C-i-t-o-i-d-i."

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Scooter who? The real trial you should be paying attention to is Jacob "The Jeweler" Arabov's, who holds the potential to deliver more celebrity fun than Diddy's gun trial ever could.

And speaking of Diddy, he's being called as a witness — along with Mariah Carey, Jay-Z, and David Beckham, who supposedly can muster up a fraction of a defense in Jacob's money-laundering ordeal. Only problem now, of course, is catering to celeb needs. Is it appropriate to produce a rider for this type of thing?

Brafman is trying to have the case moved to New York, which is home to many of the boldface witnesses he plans to call during the trial. "Trying to coordinate flying them into Detroit is a logistical nightmare that is beyond comprehension," the lawyer said.

Getting this A-list clique to Detroit is indeed problematic. First, they'd have to find it on a map. Second, they'd have to find a Super Bowl party worth attending. Oh, that was last year? Sorry, Jacob … close, but no white gold 4.5 karat diamond cigar.

• Furthering the belief that reality show "celebs" are cartoon characters, the Muppets will be getting their own ABC "reality show" next year, where they'll hold tryouts for a new Muppet. Finally, a show where Omarosa fits in. [NYP]

• For a Joan of Arcadia star you wouldn't recognize without the help of Google Images, gun-owning Hollywooders are hypocrites. Leo DiCaprio and Ben Affleck apparently can't enjoy shooting their guns even if they're aiming at some members of the republican party. [Page Six]

• Jacob the Jeweler had a smashing good time at Butter on Monday night. The bling king and his buddies celebrated Greek style, by shattering champagne glasses into a non-existent fire, then separately blamed co-owners Scott Sartiano and Richie Akiva for the raucous. [Lowdown]

• Janet Jackson's ex-mother-in-law always assumed the pop star had given birth more than 20 years ago — because "she was heavy." And then there's the fact that Janet's supposed secret daughter Renee is only 18. [NYDN]

• Meanwhile, Janet's none too happy about that video circulating of her sunbathing nude, but only because she's not sporting the type of abs Mariah Carey paints on. [The Scoop]

• Lenny Kravitz is pissed over the charity Rock the Rainforest using his pic on the invite to its Photography Auction and is threatening legal action. Which would make sense, you know, if using his photo was actually illegal. [Page Six]

• DMX is looking at 60 days in prison for, uh, probably being a black rapper. [AP]